Baby-Making Plans Don't Mean Your Sex Life Has To Be Clinical - Here's How To Keep It Fun
It's always exciting to get down and dirty with your partner — that is until you both decide to try to conceive (TTC). When you're vying for pregnancy, the sex usually becomes methodical, forced, and flat-out boring, which is the last thing you want to happen when you're about to get down and dirty with the end goal of bringing a new bundle of joy into the world. Unfortunately, sex does end up becoming a laborious grind in the TTC stage, because both parties get in over their heads and focus on getting it right instead of feeling good.
Dr. Jeannie Kim, an OB-GYN at Columbia Doctors, told Romper that you don't have to feel guilty about not feeling as frisky when TTC because it's a universal experience. "Sex with the intention of conception can be an exciting experience at first. Some people might feel liberated from that condom or other contraceptive use, or just the thought of potentially creating life with a single act is a cool concept," she said. "However, any activity that has to be scheduled or when conscious efforts have to be made to complete a task, that fun activity can become a chore, like let's say, emptying the dishwasher."
If you're starting to find TTC sex as an item on your to-do list rather than a pleasurable act, take it as a sign to spice things up with your partner. Babymaking can be sexy, and here are some tips to get started.
Don't fuss too much about scheduling
Deliberately scheduling sex like it's some work meeting may seem absurd, but it's actually a tested and proven way to keep the spark alive in your relationship, especially in long-term couples that have deprioritized physical intimacy to make room for bigger commitments like work and tending to children. Obviously, when TTC, there's also the added factor of ensuring that sex happens around the ovulation period, so scheduling sex is sometimes a non-negotiable.
"Being intentional is the new sexy," Beverley Andre, LMFT, relationship coach, and founder of BeHeart Counseling Services told Glamour, adding that just because you're more intentional about when you have sex doesn't mean you can't be spontaneous about it, too. "Scheduling doesn't automatically mean you won't have steamy spur-of-the-moment, exciting, and mind-blowing quickies," Andre stated.
It's important to remind yourself that sex is supposed to make you feel good. If you're beginning to view sex as an activity purely reserved for conception, the more likely it will continue to feel like a chore. If you can, try having sex outside of your ovulation period for the sheer purpose of pleasure and enjoyment. And besides, you may miss prime babymaking time if you're strictly adhering to a schedule. "It's easy to miss the fertile period if sex is limited only to when you think you're ovulating, because many people believe they're ovulating when they actually aren't," Dr. Samuel Wood, medical director at The Reproductive Sciences Center, told Parents.
Take foreplay up a notch
Another reason why TTC sex can sometimes feel taxing is that couples take the dirty out of getting down and dirty. If you're under pressure to get pregnant, you may find yourselves getting straight to business and performing penetration almost right away, skipping all the fun parts that invoke pleasure.
But foreplay doesn't only exist to prep your bodies for sex. In fact, in couples, it serves a much bigger purpose, as it helps strengthen your emotional bond and makes you feel more connected and in tune with one another. "I like to think of foreplay as really creating that erotic connection and focusing on stimulation — both yours and your partner or partners' — and just kind of enjoying the ride of arousal," clinical sexologist and sexuality educator Lawrence Siegel explained to HuffPost.
Make time for foreplay as much as you can to make TTC lovemaking a sexier affair. Focus on keeping each other satisfied instead of rushing to do the actual deed. The more you pleasure one another to the point of climax, the more likely that you'll keep wanting to have more sex, which then makes TTC lovemaking much more enjoyable.
Try sexcations
Remember the time when you were a horny teenager who wanted to have sex as many times as you can, regardless of place? Perhaps it's time to unleash that version of you again. Sex doesn't have to be contained within the four walls of your bedroom; it can happen anywhere. You can try doing it in your living room, your car, or even in slightly public places if you can hack it. Shower sex works, too. The key here is to have a change in scenery to keep things interesting.
If your budget allows, you may even want to consider taking sexcations, aka vacations primarily for having sex. That could mean booking a room in a resort, or even just a bed and breakfast in the next city. "Being freed up from the hard decisions and stressors big and small — traffic, dishes, doctor's appointments, texting people back, etc. — enables your brain to spend more time, energy, and attention on things like sex," sexologist Dr. Jill McDevitt shared with SheKnows. "And that extra time, energy, and attention makes sex a ton more fun, pleasurable, and satisfying."
If you have extra time, you can also partake in activities that you both find enjoyable, like going on a picnic or taking evening strolls in interesting neighborhoods. Through these bonding activities, you'll be able to reaffirm your closeness, which can help in making sex spicier once you get to it.
Experiment with positions and toys
According to experts, the hotter the sex, the more likely you are to conceive. "One of the things that men don't realize is that the more excited they are, the further back in the testicle they are going to draw on reserves [of sperm]," Dr. Joanna Ellington, an expert in reproductive physiology, shared on "The Great Sperm Race," per The Guardian. "So if you have what I call 'gourmet sex', where you really spend time and you make it fun for both partners, that is going to make the man more stimulated and he is going to ejaculate more and healthier sperm."
So really, your likelihood of conception does not solely hinge on when you have sex, but it may depend on the quality of sex as well. If you want hotter sex and inflate your chances of getting pregnant at the same time, you may want to do some experimenting in the bedroom, may it be switching up positions, trying out sex toys, or maybe even dip your toe into the world of role-play. Not only does this help in making TTC sex less of a routine, but it also helps you discover more things about your partner, especially when it comes to what gives them pleasure. You don't have to try too hard that you start overthinking every move you try, of course. As long as what you do aids in reaching orgasm, the more satisfying TTC sex will be.
Allocate some me-time and go on dates
In case you haven't heard, there's a thing called TTC fatigue, per Verywell Family, and it usually happens when you and your partner have been going at it for so long that you start to feel hopeless. Experiencing burnout when TTC is something many couples experience, and when it happens, the more challenging it is to find ways — or even want — to spice things up in bed. If you feel like you're teetering on the edge of TTC fatigue, you may want to pause for a bit and spend me-time individually, or emotionally reconnect with your partner by going on dates.
Just because you've hit a snag in your TTC journey doesn't mean the exhaustion has to extend into your relationship. When the emotional and mental brunt of trying to get pregnant gets the better of you, make it a point to de-stress and do things you genuinely enjoy. It could be as simple as going to a spa, having dinner at your favorite restaurant, or watching a movie. When you have alleviated all the stress and anxiety around TTC, then you can kickstart the process again with a clearer headspace and hopefully an increased libido.