5 Honest Lessons I Learned from Loving a Commitment Phobic Man

Loving a commitment phobic man has its ups and downs and there are many lessons to be learned along the way. Is a relationship with a commitment phobic man possible?


Being with a commitment phobic man is something like dating a bad boy: every girl does it at some point, even when her better judgment is screaming at her not to. After being with someone who is terrified of long-term relationships, one tends to learn a thing or two about life. Loving a commitment phobic man has its ups and downs and there are many lessons to be learned along the way. Is a relationship with a commitment phobic man possible? Can he change?

What is a Commitment Phobia? Commitment phobia is a strand of "relationship anxiety" in which a man has issues staying in long-term relationships. Dating men who are afraid of commitment comes with a plethora of symptoms and signs. One sign that a man has commitment phobia is that he will discourage both his partner and himself from looking into the future. Forget marriage, he will be afraid to commit to the very near future. As in, the next weekend. Causes of commitment phobia include having been abandoned in a past relationship, trust issues due to getting hurt by someone close, childhood abuse or trauma, odd family dynamics, or a simple fear of not being in the right relationship.

There are, of course, exceptions to the rules. For example, men who won't commit because they don't want to be in a monogamous relationship. Here are 5 honest lessons I learned from loving a commitment phobic man.

  1. When he says he's not Interested, Believe Him Women are constantly in the habit of thinking that they can change men. This is especially true in the case where they date men who are afraid of commitment. Some women take this as a welcome challenge. If he has told you upfront that he's not interested in monogamy, long-term commitment, marriage, children, or any other plans for your future – believe him. He isn't saying this to be a player or to get a rise out of you. He's telling you because that's exactly how he feels, and neither your sexy body nor your charming banter is going to change his mind. There are exceptions to the rule, but a good piece of advice is to believe his claim, even if you don't want to. In the end, it could save you a lot of hurt.

  2. You need to be yourself, Always A great rule of thumb for any relationship is this: don't pretend to be something you're not. Don't act like you're fine in an undefined relationship or that you don't desire long-term commitments just because he doesn't. He has his own needs and requirements he needs to be in a "relationship" with someone, and so do you. Neither is necessarily wrong, they're just different perspectives on romantic entanglements. Don't give up your needs just to try and conquer a man who may not want you back.

  3. Finding Reasons to Pull Away Just because he won't commit doesn't mean he doesn't like you or love you. As great as that sounds, it doesn't mean he envisions a future with you, either. If he likes you enough he may decide to ask you to be his girlfriend. At first, this sounds like a dream come true. But you'll come to realize this is the moment that he will begin to pull away. He will keep you at a distance and make you question things about yourself and your abilities to love that you'd never gave a second thought to in the past. Once a label is put on your relationship it will send a shot of panic through his core. He will then look for any reason to pull away from you. He won't share personal details of his life, he won't introduce you to his friends or would prefer you not hang around them, he will become easily annoyed by you.

  4. I am worth more In the end, no matter how much your heart desires this man, he isn't going to be able to love you the way you need to be loved. While a relationship with a commitment phobic man has its trials, it can also be an eye-opening experience. It can tell you exactly what you want and what you don't want out of your next relationship( http://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/ ).

The bottom line is this: Even if he's trying his best and truly seems to love and respect you, you are worth more than someone who can't even commit to weekend plans. You deserve someone who makes you feel butterflies, not who makes you feel sick or nervous. You deserve someone who can love you the way your heart, mind, and soul need to be loved.

  1. Forgiveness is Cathartic There is a lot to be said for forgiveness in these situations. Loving a commitment phobic man is not easy. It may breed a lot of insecurities and resentment in you that will continue to fester long after the relationship is over. There comes a point where you have to pat yourself on the back for trying as hard as you did, and then let it go. You lived, loved, and learned. Forgiveness is an excellent key to moving on and letting go of any anger or resentment that has built up throughout the relationship.

Loving a Commitment Phobic Man - What to do if you've fallen Love isn't logical. It's emotional, irrational, and forever hopeful. This is why so many women, like myself, find their hearts willing to take a chance on someone who is so wrong for them. If you are in love with a commitment phobic man there are two things you need to do. First, acknowledge that this is exactly who he is. There is a strong possibility that you will never get past this and that your relationship is doomed from this start. This is the risk you take.

Second of all, you need to give yourself a timeline. Don't torture yourself for months with someone who won't give you the emotional security you desire. Set a date; a logical amount of time that you are willing to put up with the frustrating and hurtful behavior you will no doubt encounter while dating someone who won't commit before you end it.

Love doesn't always conquer all and sometimes every girl has to admit that she can't teach an old dog new tricks. But, that doesn't mean that the lessons I learned from loving a commitment phobic man are any less valuable just because our love didn't last. May these lessons educate you on what to expect the next time your crush tells you he doesn't "Do" relationships.