Is A 10-Year Age Gap Bad? Dating Experts Tell It To Us Straight

We may receive a commission on purchases made from links.

Age gaps in relationships are a common thing, but they still come with taboos, depending on the size of the gap. In 2022, the BBC reported that 8% of male-female relationships had an age gap of ten years or more, with a higher percentage of age-gap coupling in same-sex relationships. Thanks to some notable celebrity couples, there is even greater interest in these dynamics, and as it turns out, according to science, there's an ideal age gap for successful relationships. Spoiler alert, it's just three years. 

Part of the reason that age gaps attract so much attention is the potential stress they can cause in a partnership. There can be concerns about power-dynamics, different life experiences, financial disparity, and the prospect of starting a family. Heck, even intimacy can be impacted, and Women.com spoke with an expert of see how an age gap could impact a couple's sex life. And it's not just the average person. We see age gaps play out with stars, and there are several celebrities who rightfully forced us to confront our fixation with age gap relationships. 

All this being said, sometimes you find someone special, and all the theoretical talk about different ages go out the window. So if you've found yourself in love with someone who's a decade older or younger than you, listen up. Women.com spoke with relationship expert Susan Winter, author of "Older Women, Younger Men: New Options for Love and Romance" and dating coach and founder of A Little Nudge, Erika Ettin. They both had fresh takes on this hotly-debated relationship dynamic.

There's no denying that there's the possibility of compatibility issues in relationships with bigger age gaps, say around ten years. However, Susan Winter told Women.com that it's less likely to have a negative impact when both people are already well into their adult years. In other words, if one person is 53 and the other 63, they're more likely to be on the same page. "However, broad age gap relationships can have noticeable differences when one partner is in their early 20's and the other in their 40's," she told us. So when the younger person is, legitimately, very young, an age discrepancy can cause friction. Meanwhile, dating coach Erika Ettin told us that tension can arise if one partner is insecure about their age — feeling too old or too young for the other person — and this leads to misalignment. 

The greatest risk arises when the older partner feels the need to instruct or guide the younger partner. Winter told Women.com that this is where things can get rocky. "While certainly the senior partner has had more life experience, this impulse can feel like control or manipulation to the younger partner," she explained. The way to mitigate this, should the couple genuinely want to stay together, is to allow the younger partner to make mistakes. The older person needs to relinquish the desire to act as a mentor or teacher. If the older partner can't do this, then there could be serious problems, because the younger person runs the risk of feeling controlled or manipulated. The key is to support each other, but also live and let live.

When it comes to couples with an age gap, we traditionally think that the older person holds more power. They've had more time to grow, accumulate wisdom, thrive in their careers, and become more established. However, Susan Winter pointed out that this isn't necessarily the case. "The younger partner may hold the power due to their youth and beauty," she explained. "So the power distribution in age gap relationships is not always cut and dried." 

And age gap relationships can not only work, but thrive! Winter told Women.com that the key is cherishing what the other partner brings to the relationship, because they might be very different things. Embrace and respect the differences, and build something beautiful from those unique perspectives. "The most crucial factor for age gap relationships to work is to have very clear communication around lifestyle goals and relationship goals," Winter said. Winter added that it was especially important to talk openly about family planning goals, but with clear, honest communication, the relationship has every reason to be solid. Dating coach Erika Ettin had a very positive take on age gap relationships, too. "Society often has more to say about it (and more of a problem with it) than the couple itself," she told Women.com. "As long as both are consenting adults, a 10-year age gap should not be a barrier to any relationship, regardless of who is older." So go forth in love and enjoy your romance!