Who TF Did I Marry?: Dating Experts Tell Us How To Avoid Relationship Scammers
In case you haven't heard, the internet has exploded this week thanks to the gripping tale of a predatory liar and his now ex-wife. TikTok user Reesa Teesa created a 50-part, eight-hour long series on TikTok called "Who TF Did I Marry?," which recounts her relationship with a man she calls Legion. Teesa claims she and her ex first met online in March 2020, and quickly became a couple shortly after. Within months, they would look for a house to buy together. However, within a few short years, Teesa learned the truth — that all along Legion lied about his employment, his financial situation, and he even about having a daughter who passed away.
"Who TF Did I Marry?" has gripped the internet, in part because Teesa is a talented storyteller, and also because of how relevant the tale is to many women. The prospect of winding up with a pathological liar and a scammer is – legitimately – a growing concern for many prospective daters, as TikTokers like Teesa have opened up about being blindsided by men who weren't all they seem. With this in mind, Women.com reached out to two relationship experts, Jaime Bronstein, Licensed Relationship Therapist and Author of "MAN*ifesting," and Patrick Wanis, PhD, Behavior & Relationship Expert who offered exclusive tips on how to avoid relationship scammers.
Check their social media accounts
A thorough social media search is key when dating anyone new. "Through social media, you can see if their stories align with what they've told you and if their online presence seems genuine and consistent," Bronstein exclusively tells Women.com. However, as we learned from Teesa's story, Legion went so far as to create a separate fake profile under a different name. Unfortunately, Legion is far from the only one to have allegedly done this. One survey conducted by Sift back in 2016 found that around 10% of dating profiles aren't legitimate. If you're suspicious that the person you're dating may not be who they seem, Bronstein recommends doing a reverse image search to see if the person's profile picture shows up elsewhere on the internet. This could indicate a stolen photo, or the possibility of a duplicate profile.
Patrick Wanis, PhD, behavior and relationship expert, advises surveying the profile for any immediate red flags. "Do the photos and profile seem and feel real and natural? Are there photos in multiple settings? Is there a natural flow of posts and communications? Are there people who wish him Happy Birthday online?" he tells Women. Anything that you answer 'no' to could be worth investigating further. Wanis also suggests using sites like Social Catfish and BeenVerified to verify someone's identity.
If you're feeling suspicious, as a last resort, you could always run a full background check, though Bronstein notes this isn't always necessary. "This step should be taken with caution and consideration for the other person's privacy and trust in the relationship," she says.
Look out for love bombing
Sure, some people get infatuated easily, but if a person is calling you their soulmate after what seems like a short period of time, proceed with caution. Their motives may not always be as pure as you think. "If someone professes their love or seems to get emotionally attached incredibly quickly, it can be a sign they're trying to manipulate your emotions," Bronstein exclusively tells Women.com. "This is often called 'love bombing.'"
Although love bombing often looks like someone making grand romantic gestures or giving you lavish gifts, it can also look like a desire for exclusivity too quickly. Bronstein adds that a person who overshares with you early on, especially about deep or traumatic things, is concerning because it creates false intimacy. If we use Teesa's case as an example, Legion opened up to her about his divorce and personal issues within the first few dates, which she interpreted as a willingness to be vulnerable. However, according to Teesa, it didn't take long for Legion to tell her that he wanted to marry and have children immediately. He even pressured her to look for a house with her after just a month of dating.
Patrick Wanis tells Women.com that figuring out whether someone's efforts are genuine comes down to authenticity. A person who is into you may still try to impress you, but they won't pressure you to move faster than your comfortable. "Love builds and develops based on knowing each other and doing things together that create bonds and connection," he says. That's not the case for someone who is trying to manipulate you. "Their behavior does not feel natural – it feels forced, rushed or desperate," he notes. Wanis adds that a scammer might also try and create an illusion of closeness by forcing their presence in your life. "They overwhelm you with the amount of daily communication so that you become attached or dependent upon them, and again, they become the most important person in your life."
Be wary of someone who tries to be a hero
Sometimes, as Reesa Teesa discovered, seemingly "good" things in a budding relationship actually indicate that something is off. In one early video of "WHO TF Did I Marry," she points out that before she and Legion were an official couple, he drove across town to assist her with her car troubles, which she interpreted as a mark of good character. From there, he continued to show up for Teesa, which she viewed as a green flag, because he was so present. Though it can be nice to have someone who is engaged, it's not always as it seems. "Someone who insists on solving all your problems and being your "go-to" for everything can be problematic," Bronstein exclusively tells Women. "This behavior can lead to co-dependency, where the relationship becomes your sole source of happiness and support, which isn't healthy."
"Be aware that the primary motivation of a scammer is to emotionally manipulate you to either become emotionally dependent upon them or for you to feel that you can completely trust them," Wanis says. "Once they have your trust, dependence or emotional attachment, they may try to take advantage of you in various ways."
Wanis explains that one of the ways they create this dependency is by presenting themselves as either a victim or hero. "They want you to play one of two categories – the rescuer or the rescued," Wanis explains, noting they do this by appealing to your vulnerabilities. "They want you to pity them and have deep empathy and sympathy for them, convincing you that they need your help (financial or emotional) and thus, you become the rescuer, or they want you to feel so loved, adored and significant that you feel blessed that they have rescued you with their love and you have found the perfect partner!"
Trust your instincts
Vetting someone in-person is another level to make sure that the person you're interested in is who they say they are. For relationship expert Jaime Bronstein, meeting up in a public place is vital for the first few dates. Choose a spot that's well lit, and let a friend or relative know your whereabouts. She also suggests that getting a second opinion is a good idea. Run your experiences by friends, family, and a therapist to get a grounded reading. But for Bronstein, what is paramount was listening to intuition. "Trust your gut," she says. "If something feels off, pay attention to that feeling. Your intuition can be a powerful tool in identifying when something isn't right."
Patrick Wanis notes that it is totally reasonable to ask to see someone's photo ID in person. "Tell him that you have been tricked in the past or you would simply like to feel safe and reassured, and therefore, you would like to do a background check," he tells Women.com. If the individual pushes back, it's perfectly reasonable to stand your ground and prioritize your safety. Wanis also stresses trusting your gut. "The moment that something happens that does not make sense to you or feels off, do not ignore it because you are in love; do your due diligence and ask questions and look further for the truth," Wanis says. Those spidey senses are valuable indicators of what's really going on.