Don't Be Seduced By Breakup Sex - It May Not Get You The Closure You Need
Ah, breakup sex: one of those human phenomena that make us scratch our heads and wonder, "Why?" There is something naughty about breakup sex; perhaps you feel curious about what would happen. Is it the thrill of the "last time"? Is it because there are still feelings or chemistry? There are countless reasons people take their breakups to the bedroom, and having breakup sex is your right, anyway. But should you be tempted to turn to breakup sex for closure, or in an attempt to "save" the relationship, you might be setting yourself up for further heartbreak.
For some, having breakup sex could be healing. After struggling to maintain the relationship, or working through difficult emotions together, having sex could feel like a release, a way to let go of the negativity and move forward from the relationship feeling lighter. But for others, breakup sex could be confusing. This is especially so if you or your ex-partner have opposing feelings about your relationship status, or if you know that moving on from the relationship is the best choice for you. Despite the understandable urge to be spontaneous, having breakup sex might not be the answer you are looking for.
Breakup sex can get complicated
Although it can be an annoying fact, sex does stimulate chemical reactions in our brains. Known as the "love hormone," oxytocin is released during orgasm, which spurs feelings of closeness and attachment — feelings that you might not want to mess with during a breakup.
According to a 2020 paper published in Revolutionary Psychology, a cohort of 135 women believed that they would feel bad after having breakup sex to a higher degree than a cohort of 77 men, which could mean that women are more prone to having negative experiences with breakup sex. Should you have any doubt in your mind that breakup sex could make you feel worse about your breakup, or could adversely affect your self-esteem, reconsider whether having breakup sex is really worth the emotional complications.
And, if you suspect that you or your ex-partner is using sex to simply hold onto a relationship that one is not emotionally ready to let go of, consider the effects of prolonging this pain. Ask yourself what it is you are really looking for out of breakup sex; be honest with yourself about what you think having breakup sex can and cannot give you. The truth is that having breakup sex will probably not change the factors that instigated the breakup in the first place.
Give closure to yourself
Should you be looking for some kind of closure through breakup sex, remember that you get to define the terms. What does closure mean to you? How do you measure closure? While it sounds much easier said than done, remember that you do not need closure from your ex-partner to move on from the relationship.
Breakups can also be an amazing opportunity to reconnect with yourself. What makes you feel fulfilled? How else can you explore your relationship with your body? While there is no set timeline when it comes to moving on or healing from a relationship, taking care of yourself, and seeing yourself in new ways, is never a bad idea.
And those sex hormones we mentioned earlier? Dopamine, another chemical released during sex, is also released when you listen to your favorite music, or eat your favorite dessert (via Insider). So, the next time you get a text from your ex, wondering if you might be down to mess around, consider putting on your favorite song and dancing it out instead, or ordering in a special treat from your favorite bakery. Besides, there are plenty of sex toys out there for you to test out, too, and we promise those entail far fewer nuances.