How To Gain Independence In Your Marriage — Even If You've Been Together For Years

Even if you're happily married, you might feel pulled to establish more independence within your relationship. Perhaps you want to reconnect with old hobbies, or your routine as a couple feels like a rut. Or maybe you have marriage burnout and are wondering what to do about it. Either way, there's no reason you can't rebuild some of the autonomy you had before you got hitched.

The single best way to reestablish your sense of self as an individual, rather than as one half of a couple, is by taking time for yourself. "I recommend spending a little time alone each day, even if it's just 20 or 30 minutes," neuropsychologist and director of Comprehend the Mind, Dr. Sanam Hafeez, tells Women exclusively. "This can help someone reconnect with their own thoughts and interests."

When possible, follow your impulses. Whether it's going on solo dates or practicing sexual self-care, rediscovering your wants and likes is a key part of building a strong sense of self. Knowing your differences from another person can help you to feel a clean demarcation between who they are and who you are. "I recommend making small decisions based on your own personal preferences and what you want," advises Hafeez. "This might look like choosing what to read, watch, wear, or eat based on what you genuinely enjoy, instead of making a decision based on someone else's preferences." As you make a habit of tuning into your desires, you'll find that they become easier to decipher.

While developing more independence might, at first, seem like it could destabilize a relationship, it's actually a great way to strengthen your bond and bring you and your partner closer. There's a reason that "opposites attract" is still such a popular adage. In clinical terms, this is called having a healthy sense of differentiation, and it's linked to a higher sense of chemistry, attraction, and satisfaction in long-term relationships.

There's also the benefit that two people with full, happy lives will bring more vitality to the relationship. "When people have time for their hobbies, friendships, and personal goals, they often feel happier and bring more positivity into the relationship," Dr. Sanem Hafeez tells Women, exclusively. "It also takes pressure off your partner, since no one person can fulfill every emotional need." It turns out the old advice is true: loving yourself first really does make you better at loving others. "My partner and I have different friends, and different hobbies, and I think that's important," wrote one Reddit user. "Keeps it interesting if you have your own little hobbies and friends you can tell each other about at the end of the day anyways, and [it's] healthy."

When two people in a relationship are exercising their independence, it's usually a sign that the relationship is strong. After all, people are dynamic, and the best relationships allow each party to evolve while still staying connected. As Hafeez exclusively explains, "Giving each other space builds trust and shows respect for one another as individuals."

But even if you're eager to build a more independent self within your marriage, it might not be a straightforward project. In fact, you might find yourself confronting complicated, ambivalent feelings about showing up differently in your relationship, and possibly challenging some long-entrenched patterns. At the very least, if you've been in a codependent marriage for a long time, you're likely out of the habit of listening to yourself. "After years of focusing primarily on a spouse and family, it may take time to reconnect with personal interests, preferences, and goals," Sanem Hafeez tells Women. "This process often brings a renewed sense of confidence and self-identity.

Beyond that, though, it can bring up negative feelings and self-criticism. "It can be scary at first, and they may experience feelings of guilt or that they are betraying their marriage, which can be difficult to navigate after years of revolving your entire life around your spouse," explains Hafeez. You may have to confront old programming about how women or relationships are supposed to operate and give yourself permission to reconnect with yourself.