Signs The Communication In Your Marriage Is At A Standstill & How To Get It Back

Everyone knows marriages are work. When two people come together, they bring two entirely different sets of baggage, habits, and ways of processing things. This very much applies to communication styles, which is one of the biggest hurdles married couples face. While in the honeymoon phase, figuring out each other's conversational quirks might be part of the charm, as the years go by, those quirks can quickly build a wall and leave you feeling entirely disconnected. 

That's why, before it's too late, it's crucial you're aware of the signs that the communication in your marriage is at a standstill and how you can get it back. To help our readers who might be struggling in their marriage or just looking for ways to stay on top of protecting their connection before any drift sets in, Women had an exclusive chat with an expert licensed relationships expert and therapist, Judith Aronowitz, RN, LCSW, of Judith Aronowitz Therapy.

First and foremost, Aronowitz wants couples to know that no matter how many years you've been married, a "communication breakdown" can happen at any time, and it can stem from a lack of mutual updates about evolving individual needs, wants, and goals, as time goes on. And, if you've weathered the storms together and survived the stages of love that very few relationships survive, you can't let a communication standstill be the thing that undoes all of the hard work. So, let's dive into the signs that signal that the communication in your relationship needs some work and how you can get it back on track. 

While there's no one who would mind a serene and quiet day, there is a major difference between a genuinely peaceful relationship and one where the partners are actually just checked out. This doesn't mean you need to have an emotional heart-to-heart every day, but a meaningful, deep conversation in which both partners feel entirely seen and heard is vital for a lasting bond. 

Our exclusive chat with licensed relationships expert Judith Aronowitz, RN, LCSW, revealed that deep conversations are the only way partners can "work through differences and come back to each other with empathy and understanding." These are the conversations that will keep each person in the marriage up-to-date on the other's evolving "goals, beliefs, and aspirations." It's important to show your partner your continued efforts and that you're still curious to know them, even after years of being together. These conversations also ensure there's still growth, but it's happening together, not in polar-opposite directions.

As Aronowitz put it, "Having open conversations helps to inform each other and invites them into one's ever-changing interior life, ultimately bringing you closer together." Now, it might be the perfect time to ask yourself whether or not your marriage still has these kinds of conversations going for it. Ask yourself when's the last time you got excited to hear about a new goal your partner had set for themselves or when you last updated them on new aspirations. If your marriage has lacked these conversations for some time, it might be awkward at first, but it's important to push past the initial discomfort. 

Do you often find yourself thinking, "Ugh. It's not worth the hassle," when your partner does something that drives you up the wall, or when you just feel like your needs aren't being met? If you thought you were simply choosing being wise and choosing your battles or protecting your marriage's peace, it's definitely time to rethink that.

Our relationships expert, Judith Aronowitz, RN, LCSW, warned sweeping things under the rug is a fast track to a major "communication breakdown." She emphasized the importance of partners processing their "frustrations and disappointments" out loud with one another. Conflict avoidance can absolutely impact your relationship, and "it can lead to disengagement and estrangement," according to Aronowitz. So, while you might have thought swallowing your truth was keeping the storm at bay, it could have been building resentment. 

"Denying your feelings and avoiding conflict is destructive to a relationship," warned our expert in our exclusive chat. This is one of the "negative communication patterns" that can throw couples in an endless loop that results in emotional disconnection. So, if you've been letting things go for the sake of peace, but seem to get annoyed at your partner for things you never used to mind, it's a sign that there's some built-up resentment.

You should always defend yourself, right? Well, when it comes to healthy marriage communication, that instinct may be doing more harm than good. "Defensiveness in a relationship invalidates another's experience, leaving partners isolated and alone," Judith Aronowitz exclusively told Women.com. Whether it's your partner pointing out a small oversight or sharing how something you said made them feel, ask yourself what your first reaction is. 

If it's a strong urge to correct your partner or jump to telling them your side of the story without acknowledging how it made them feel, you're creating a communication problem that often leaves one party feeling unheard and the other misunderstood. While it's completely natural to want to protect and defend yourself, it's also important not to take every piece of feedback as a personal attack. 

Our expert emphasized that "acting defensively" rather than really listening to what your partner has to say leaves little to no room for resolution. This usually ends up in an endless blame game. If you feel that you struggle to stay grounded throughout the conversation and you're heavily focused on how much the delivery stung rather than the core message your partner had for you, you may be lacking in the accountability department. When there's no accountability, there's no moving forward. 

Another major sign that the communication in your marriage is at a standstill is when your relationship is starting to feel transactional. Judith Aronowitz exclusively shared with Women.com that lacking in the communication department means the marriage will likely lack depth. This leads to a heavy "focus on management." If you're not sure what this means, just take a look through the text messages with your partner. 

It's a good sign if you see appreciation, inside jokes, and genuine check-ins, but if the majority of the messages are about bills that need to be paid, an ongoing grocery list, and a bunch of errand requests, that alludes to a "transactional relationship." It's almost like, rather than being romantic partners, you are business partners co-managing the household. And, when a marriage starts to feel transactional, checking out emotionally usually isn't far behind. 

"Emotional withdrawal can leave partners to feel disconnected and alone," shared Aronowitz. And, there's nothing worse than feeling disconnected or alone when you're supposed to be in a partnership that started as promising forever. Whether you had a falling out with a friend or your child is going through their terrible twos, you should feel like you can share anything with your spouse. If you've lost the motivation or need to turn to your partner when something happens to you, it's a key indicator that the communication in your marriage is at a standstill. 

Alright, so you've read through the signs and realized the communication in your marriage might be at a standstill, and you're not sure what to do, don't fret. Women.com and our relationships expert Judith Aronowitz have you covered. Your biggest goal should be working on "rebuilding the connection." This starts by showing you are willing to listen and holding space for their feelings and experiences. 

Put this into practice by "articulating [your] needs by using "I" statements with out accusation." Go ahead and put all electronic devices aside when your partner wants to talk, as this "helps to make feel people seen and heard." Also, remember to make an effort to show your partner that you're interested in what they have to say and that you appreciate them. It's really the day-to-day actions that count. Aronowitz said, "Strong and satisfying relationships are built through small, consistent, everyday connections." 

If things feel like they've gotten out of hand and it's not something you can fix on your own, it's okay to consider couples counseling. Aronowitz wanted couples to know that "therapy is useful when there is a big disconnect between the couple and each person is feeling alone and isolated." Sometimes, people just have to unlearn the things they were taught to become effective communicators. Lastly, our expert had a message for married couples: "Communication is a skill that can be learned, and it is a cornerstone of a healthy functioning relationship."