How To Tackle The Holidays When Your Family Bitterly Disagrees About Politics

It's holiday season, which means roast turkey, sparkling lights, and uncomfortable family arguments about politics. More often than not, these debates become a reason to dread family gatherings, outshining the warm, fun parts of the season. Increasingly, talking politics has been a huge source of conflict within families. These divisions can lead to long-term resentment, outbursts of anger, and even estrangement. In part, that's because we're living in an era of heightened political polarization. We are more inclined to think of others, even those we are related to, in terms of extremes. "We're flattening people out in terms of our view of them, and we're not really seeing the full complexity of people on the other side," Tania Israel, a psychology professor at UC Santa Barbara, told NPR.

But even if you disagree about politics, there are still ways to enjoy family time without losing your mind. In fact, many of the same tips for dealing with any family disagreements during the holidays apply. Focusing on anything but politics might help you rediscover that your family members are more complex than their political beliefs. Nona Kocher, a board-certified psychiatrist at Quintessence Psychiatry, tells Women exclusively that it's possible to connect without letting political discourse intrude. It helps to make an advanced plan for how you'll navigate the subject if it comes up, and what you'll do to take care of yourself. "Decide ahead of time what topics you're willing to engage in and which ones you won't," she suggests.

Sometimes, one of the best ways to diffuse tension is by helping the other person feel heard. "One of the biggest mistakes people make when arguing about politics with family is trying to push their own beliefs instead of actually listening," explains Nona Kocher. "People often become so caught up in proving their point that they stop listening to what the other person is saying." Instead of trying to change someone's mind, listening intently can help avoid a conversation where each person just becomes more entrenched in their original position. When people feel their perspective is heard and respected, they're more likely to release their defensiveness and be open to listening.

Arguing isn't likely to change their mind, and it won't foster any feelings of mutual respect. "The situation becomes more about being 'right' than understanding the other person's perspective," explains Kocher. "That kind of attitude will only drive people further apart. Being open to hearing different points of view can turn arguments into opportunities for learning and connection."

All the usual tips for active listening apply here, like making eye contact, asking open-ended questions, and tuning in to non-verbal cues. "Active listening requires de-centering from one's fixed position to be fully present with another," psychologist Sabrina Romanoff told Verywell Mind. "It helps people feel more understood and strengthens relationships as it signals a willingness to sit with the other's perspective." It doesn't mean you need to let go of your opinions; instead, you're setting them aside briefly to focus on connecting.

Take a little reflection time before any gatherings to decide what topics feel off-limits for you, especially if there are certain conversations that have gotten heated in the past. Planning is part of the prep work that can help you feel at ease during holiday family gatherings. Creating an internal rule for yourself about what you're willing to talk about and what kinds of conversations you're willing to engage in can help head off any confrontations. "Remember that you don't have to engage in every conversation and that you have the right to protect your peace," says Nona Kocher, exclusively.

If you're hosting, this might extend to letting guests know that certain topics are off limits. "If there is a particular family member who is super political, kindly remind them before they arrive what kind of atmosphere you are expecting: light, friendly, and focused on spending time together," explains Kocher. "You might ask them to steer clear of controversial topics or agree that if a disagreement starts, they will move on quickly."

Sometimes the easiest way to set a boundary is simply by changing the subject. Is your uncle ranting again? Is your mom pestering to know who you voted for? Just steer the conversation toward a different topic altogether. "Absolutely best thing you can do is derail the conversation with something completely unrelated to politics," shared one Reddit commenter.

If they fail to take the hint and keep pressing a sensitive subject, then you can be gentle but direct. 'If the conversation is getting too tense, say something like 'I would rather focus on spending time together than debate about politics,'" says Nona Kocher, who recommends planning ways to change the subject ahead of time. For example, you can brainstorm a few quick conversation starters, like asking people about upcoming travel plans or favorite movies, to redirect the conversation if it gets heated. "Use humor or a light comment to ease the tension and steer things back to a friendly tone."

This also works well, even if you aren't directly caught up in the political debate, but are feeling the tension on the sidelines. If you're hosting, sometimes redirecting people by finding ways for them to help can deflate any political disagreements before they get going. "Remind everyone that the goal is to enjoy the meal and each other's company, not to stress over differences," says Kocher. "Make sure everyone has a role, like bringing a dish or helping set the table, so they feel included and focused on something positive."

Even if others get swept up into political debate, you can always make the choice to disengage. If someone else is ignoring your attempts to change the subject, or if you're simply feeling yourself get overwhelmed as you listen to others argue, find a way to excuse yourself physically and just opt out of the conversation. "If at any point, you are feeling uncomfortable, stepping outside to get some fresh air or helping in the kitchen could be helpful," says Nona Kocher.

This can be a great excuse to spend your energy on the aspects of your holiday that you genuinely enjoy. "Try to focus on the people and activities that make you feel grounded and safe, like talking with a supportive relative or playing with younger family members." You might discover others who are as eager to duck the political conversations as you are, or that you have more fun sitting at the kids' table anyway.

Finally, if you feel like you won't be able to avoid getting drawn into uncomfortable conversations, you have the option to skip the holiday gathering. If politics have made family gatherings too fraught, then find a way to celebrate that feels more nurturing, like going for a walk or eating with friends. Just remember that, if you can find a way to be present for the holidays, sitting down to dinner with loved ones has some major wellness benefits!