The Let Them Theory: TikTok's Viral Relationship Strategy, Explained
According to the Current World Population Clock, there are roughly eight billion people alive today. While the chances of meeting all those people are impossible, it's safe to assume we'll meet a few thousand of them. Some will be friends, others will be lovers, some will be enemies, and some will be family. Not every interaction will be a positive one and we're going to spend a lot of our life being disappointed by people — that's just a fact. But what if instead of getting ourselves all riled up when we're hurt, we just let it happen? You know, let them do what they're going to do?
That's the concept behind author and motivational speaker Mel Robbins' "Let Them Theory." As Robbins explained in one of the many videos that are making the rounds on TikTok, the fastest way to take back control of your life is to stop trying to control the lives of others: "You have no idea how much energy you are burning through thinking about, worrying about, obsessing about what other people are doing, what they're not doing, what they're feeling — all of which you have zero control over." Although the reasons we become consumed by the behavior of others varies, as Robbins pointed out, once you get your "energetic hook" into someone, that's when you've lost control of the situation. Of course, being able to simply just "let them" is not easy by any means, but it doesn't mean it can't be done.
The benefits of the let them theory
At its core, the "let them theory" comes down to two main principles: acceptance and letting go. When we accept, we recognize we can't change people, and what they do is completely out of our control. Even if their behavior results in pain or disappointment, it's still out of our hands. "We often feel the urge to control or persuade people to be who we want them to be, in part because we think that is the right thing to do, and in part, because we want to manage our own anxiety and uncertainty that arises around other people's behavior," clinical psychologist and mental health expert Dr. Sophie Mort told Glamour UK. It's both normal and human to try to mold things into what we need, but it doesn't make it right and it's certainly not healthy.
When we accept, then "let them," as in the people in our life do what they're going to do without resistance, we free ourselves from the emotional entanglements, the stress, and even the pain. "This technique proposes that by letting things and people be, we can find peace and freedom, whilst improving the quality of our relationships," said Mort. In choosing to let people do whatever it is they're going to do, we're not giving up or being passive; we're removing unnecessary complications and drama from our lives in favor of our own serenity. We're putting our mental and emotional health first.
How it can be helpful in relationships
In relationships, the "let them theory" can be a real eye-opener. For example, if you're dating someone and want commitment, but they don't want to take it to the next level, the "letting them theory" is beneficial for you. "You can tap into peace and true control if you let them be themselves. If you 'let them,' people will then reveal who they truly are and, when they reveal who they truly are to you, you now know what you can choose next that's right for you," Robbins said on TikTok.
Ultimately, isn't this what we want from our partners or potential partners? Don't we want to see someone's authentic self as early as possible? This doesn't mean you're not allowed to feel your feelings, or not grieve the situation. You absolutely should, but do so with resistance, without wasting energy on what you can't control. "Part of [the theory] is you're not villainizing the other person," psychologist Stephanie Sarkis told USA Today. "You're realizing that their behavior is about them and not you." You're not giving them a free pass with this theory either. What you're doing is protecting yourself.
How it can possibly be problematic
While the "let them theory," for the most part, can be beneficial and empowering, it's not without its caveats. Especially when it comes to certain personality types. "People pleasers generally allow others to do as they wish without any consideration of how their behaviors may impact others," psychotherapist Sadaf Siddiqi told HuffPo. "This 'let them' approach may prevent them from speaking up and being heard." This puts people pleasers in a unique position: do they curb their people-pleasing ways to be able to take advantage of the mental health opportunities of this theory? That's for them to unpack.
No matter what theory comes along or the subject it involves, it's not going to be a perfect fit for everyone. What we can do is take bits and pieces from the "let them theory" and incorporate them into our lives. As human beings, we're constant works in progress and this theory is just another tool that we can add to our collection of coping skills. Should a scenario call for it, then we can use it in a healthy way that's effective and beneficial to our relationships.