Psychiatrist Shares How To Navigate A Breakup When Your Partner Is Threatening Self-Harm
When faced with the thought of losing someone we love, rationale tends to go out the window. We say things we'd never say otherwise, and some of us act out in ways that aren't just unhealthy, but straight-up toxic. What goes through the mind of someone who's on the cusp of losing someone whom they believe is essential to their very being can be chaotic and detrimental.
It's in these throes of desperation that people sometimes threaten self-harm. Maybe they believe, even momentarily, it's the best way to not lose their partner. "When a partner threatens to engage in self-harm or suicide when you try to leave the relationship, it can be emotionally distressing," board-certified psychiatrist, brain health specialist, and 12-time New York Times bestselling author Daniel Amen, MD exclusively told Women. "At the core, it can be a form of emotional abuse or relationship manipulation. Even so, it should be taken seriously."
According to a 2023 study published in the American Journal of Preventative Medicine, between 2003 and 2020, intimate partner problems (IPP) such as breakups and divorce, accounted for 20% of suicides. Although the majority of these IPP-related deaths could be attributed to those with mental health problems or external stressors, the fact remains that sometimes self-harm threats aren't empty at all, nor are they said strictly to manipulate. That's why, as Dr. Amen pointed out, these things should always be taken seriously. But despite this, it doesn't mean that you can't move forward with ending the relationship.
Why people threaten self-harm
While it might be easy to dismiss that self-harm-related threats are meant to manipulate the situation so it goes in the favor of the person making the threats, that's not always the case. That's why every threat should be heard and treated with caution. "Even if someone is making jokes about hurting themselves, I think every joke is an indicator of some unspoken truth," dialectical behavioral therapist Jaime Gleicher told Cosmopolitan. "They should be taken seriously. You hear a lot of 'oh, they're just being dramatic,' or 'they just want attention,' and it's like well, yeah, they do want attention. It's unfortunate that this is one of the main ways they've learned how to get attention."
But as much as using self-harm in this way is problematic for everyone involved, we still never really know what's going on inside someone's mind. It can't be stated enough that love affects the brain like cocaine and, like any drug, when we are at risk of losing it, we can act unpredictably. Because of this, if your partner starts making threats, you need to proceed with caution. But you also need to do what's right for you.
How you should navigate the breakup
The most important thing, should you find yourself in this situation, is to not back down or make concessions. When someone realizes that their threats have power over you, then they're more likely to rely on them when things don't go their way again in the future.
"A good way to approach this is to validate the fact that they are hurting," Dr. Amen exclusively told Women. When people are in pain, they need to feel heard and understood. As Steven Stosny, Ph.D. wrote for Psychology Today, when someone's suffering isn't validated, it can heighten their emotions and cause them to go to even greater lengths to make others recognize their anguish. This puts you in the position of having to choose your words and tone carefully. You want to be as empathetic as possible. Even if you find yourself irritated with their behavior, this is still someone you care about and someone you probably once loved, so give them the respect and kindness they need. "Simply saying, 'I care about you, and I know this hurts,' can be enough to get the message across," said Dr. Amen. "Remember that, ultimately, you are not responsible for your partner's actions... you don't have the power to control their actions — only they can control their behavior."
Why it's okay to seek help
Don't think for one second that you need to go through this alone. Trying to take care of yourself and navigating a breakup rife with self-harm threats isn't easy, so don't be afraid to reach out to people in your network.
"If you have a good relationship with your partner's family and friends, speak up," said Dr. Amen. "Remind yourself that you are sharing this information with others out of genuine love for your partner, not to break a confidence." Dr. Amen suggested explaining to these trusted people that you and your partner are going through a breakup and they've been making threats. It's more than okay to share this with one or two people who are close to you and ask them if they could check in on your partner.
"If your partner is threatening suicide and is holding something that could harm them, don't hesitate to call 911," said Dr. Amen. "First responders are trained to handle these types of situations. You aren't." While you may think that your history with your partner is long and deep enough that you can offer the necessary guidance should they start threatening suicide, take a moment to reflect on the fact that no matter how well you know someone, if you're not educated in the field of handling these types of conflicts, you could possibly make it worse.
Be kind to yourself
When you're finally out of the relationship, give yourself time to focus on your needs. This isn't selfishness, but self-preservation. If in time, you think you'd like to check in on your ex, do so after making sure you set boundaries for yourself first. "It's hard not to worry about someone you care about when they threaten suicide or non-suicidal self-injury," Dr. Amen exclusively told Women, adding that "keeping tabs on your ex only drags you back into the drama." As anyone who's ever been in an on-again, off-again relationship will tell you, it's really easy to go back down that rabbit hole again and repeat the cycle. Ideally, a clean break is the best way to go because it "gives you the space to heal".
Breakups are always painful, and it's when we're suffering that some of us lose control of our emotions. While it's normal to hurt, threatening self-harm creates an even more difficult, unfair situation. But it's also a situation that can be managed with empathy. Put yourself in their shoes and respond to their threats in a way that validates their experience without forgetting the impact it's having on you too. "Everyone has the right to live free from all types of abuse, including abuse through a threat of self-harm," executive director of the Suicide Awareness Voices of Education Dan Reidenberg told HuffPo. "They need to be taken seriously and addressed, as does your right to health and safety."