PMI Alert: Signs You're Getting Too Intimate Too Soon In A Relationship
If you ever wondered if you share too much too soon, you probably do. Things that were once meant for close friends and family members — at least in older generations — are now splattered all over the place for everyone to see. Social media has taken oversharing to new heights, and Millennials don't just embrace, it but make money off it.
Although some people overshare for attention or due to some form of neurodiversity, for others it's about getting close to people. "When people overshare, they are often desiring very much to connect with someone," licensed marriage and family therapist Carolyn Cole told Mic. In this case, it tends to be something that isn't realized "until after the fact," Cole explained. It's essentially your subconscious looking to connect with those around you. While that can be good because no one wants to feel alone, when it's done in dating, it can be seen as a less-than-stellar quality in a person.
Similar to TMI, but with a dating-related twist, this type of oversharing is called "premature intimacy" (PMI). According to the dating app Plenty of Fish, it's not just something to add to your 2024 dating trends cheat sheet, but 65% of daters have experienced it. This isn't surprising considering how many people tend to share a lot and don't necessarily need the go-ahead to share their life story, including the bits that might make the listener uncomfortable. But just because it's prevalent, doesn't mean you need to engage.
Why PMI can be problematic
The beginning stages of getting to know someone involve just that: getting to know them and giving them the chance to get to know you. But this isn't something that should be rushed. When you try to fast-track a relationship by sharing so much too quickly, you can make yourself vulnerable to others, or inflict unnecessary pain on the person you're dating. "You can put yourself in a number of compromising situations when you share just too much information," etiquette expert Elaine Swann told The New York Times. "Sometimes we go through battles and crises that can be a trigger for someone else."
Your attempt at premature intimacy could also be misread. For example, one person's idea of being authentic could be another person's idea of being cringe — especially if it's early in the relationship where personalities, values, and even senses of humor haven't been understood yet. When people put it all on the table right away, it can come off as not having boundaries — which are essential to healthy relationships — and not respecting the boundaries of the other person. It can also decrease one's sympathy for you. "What we've found," psychologist Dr. Christopher Hand told Vice, "is the more people tend to present about themselves, the less sympathy others have when things go wrong. People tend to be judged as bringing about their own negative experiences the more they share them." That's not exactly a precedent you want to set.
How to tell if you're PMI-ing
As much as you may want to share everything because that's who you are, you need to slow down and take things one step at a time. "A big mistake people make when dating someone new is to bring all of their fears, concerns, and past negative relationship experiences to their current relationship," celebrity matchmaker Carmelia Ray told Brides.
Another sign that you've engaged in premature intimacy is that you only talk about yourself, leaving little to no room for someone else to respond and have an actual conversation with you. You also might have thought it okay to share your mental health history — every bit of it. "Sometimes people use 'trauma dumping' as a way to create quick intimacy," licensed professional counselor Bonnie Scott, LPC told Verywell Mind. "They tell way too much about something painful that happened to them, either because they haven't processed it with a professional, or they've found that it's a shortcut to getting other people to stick around for a while."
If none of this sounds like something you could be doing, then it comes down to reading the room. How do listeners hold their bodies and what sort of facial expressions do they have when talking with you? Do listeners struggle to respond? Not everyone knows when they're oversharing or that they're even capable of it, but if you step back and try to see your conversations as an outsider, it can help (via Executive Matchmakers.)
What to do if you're PMI-ing
Before you can curb your PMI-ing ways, you need to get to the bottom of why you do it. "For instance," licensed marriage and family therapist Carolyn Cole told Mic, "do you feel like you're deepening relationships with others by sharing deeper things? Or, are you craving deeper conversations rather than small talk, which leads you to overshare?" When you know the why of the equation, you'll have an easier time ceasing the behavior. "In general, it's good to think about the equality in the relationship — is the person (friend/coworker/someone you're dating) you are sharing with sharing with you in the same way?" Cole said. "That can help to determine whether it's 'good' or somewhat problematic."
Wanting to deeply connect with someone, and maybe rushing things with PMI if you're really into them, is normal and common. But healthy relationships need more than that to stand on. "If it's important to you to meet somebody with [whom] there could be a potential long-term relationship, I think it can be quite good not to throw all your emotions in all at once — even though it can be quite exciting at the start," relationship counselor Simone Bose told Cosmopolitan. "If you want to get to know that person and understand who they are a little bit more, it's best to talk more and talk slower." Slowing up the intimacy and keeping some of the mystery alive is what it takes for happily ever after.