There Are 3 New Love Languages That Can Help You Uncover Your Truest Relationship Desires

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When Gary Chapman introduced the concept of love languages in his 1992 book, "The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate," it was a breakthrough. After years of counseling couples, Chapman realized that people showed and interpreted love from others in different ways. Chapman deduced that those ways were essentially love languages and there were five, with everyone having a primary and secondary love language: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, or physical touch.

But as much as Chapman's research helped couples understand each other on a deeper level and build intimacy in their relationship, 1992 was over 30 years ago and a lot has changed in regard to how people have relationships and how people experience love. For example, he certainly didn't write the book with the foresight that love languages would come into play with ethical non-monogamy, polycules, and similar types of relationships, making the original book profoundly outdated. "Love languages are changing," Emma Hathorn, dating expert for the dating app, Seeking, told Glamour. "As our relationships evolve in the 21st century, the way that we relate to each other is going to shift too. It's important to discover which language you speak in your relationship, and to find someone who can fundamentally understand you."

Because the times are a-changin' as Bob Dylan cooed, there are three more love languages to take into consideration when it comes to figuring out what your primary and secondary love language might be.

Shared travel

When we travel with our partner, especially for the first time, we see sides of them we probably haven't seen before. Just as people have different ways of loving, people also have different ways of traveling — something you don't really realize could be a problem until you've jumped out of your comfort zone and into a foreign land. Shared travel shouldn't be mistaken for "quality time," one of the five original love languages. Instead, it should be viewed as having shared adventures and experiencing new and possibly unknown things.

While most relationships don't involve constant travel, if your love language is shared travel, you'll revel in the unexpected and the thrill of taking risks with your partner. You don't get annoyed by your partner when traveling, you don't consider them a burden you should have left at home, but rather, you see them as a fellow adventurer. Even if your partner's love language isn't shared travel, if they can compromise for you — which is what couples are essentially supposed to do — then your love language needs can be met. Maybe that excitement of shared travel won't be once a month, but a few trips a year with your partner will make you feel loved and understood. Even if your partner opts out of zip-lining with you in Costa Rica, at least you know they'll be there when you reach the end because they know how important it is for you to show and interpret love through shared travel. 

Healthy debate

When we look at Chapman's original five love languages, it's interesting that none of them include a degree of wanting to be challenged or wanting to challenge a partner as a love language. Some people, even if they don't realize it, like to be challenged in how they think and feel. They want to be thrown a curveball of an idea, let it mull around in their brain, then discuss it, or have a healthy debate — one of the three new love of languages.

A survey conducted by dating app, Seeking, found that daters who are Ph.D. candidates get 30% more interaction than those who have bachelor's and master's degrees, per Vice. Why? Because people don't just want their genitals and heart tickled, but their brains too. In a relationship, this can look like having healthy debates over whether the milk is still drinkable two days after the expiration date or deeper topics, like exactly what is in a black hole — just another black hole? It's these conversations that make one think outside the box, per se, that someone with the healthy debate love language needs to thrive in a relationship. Once the lust stage of falling in love dwindles, it's the chats, the communication, the tête-à-tête conducted in an inspiring way that keeps the fire alive for those who have this love language.

Goal sharing

Although couples were sharing goals in 1992,  goals now look different. More women are in the workforce and putting careers before family, stereotypical gender roles are changing, and these shifts in how people have relationships and the goals they set for their partnerships have changed drastically from three decades ago.

If your love language is goal sharing, then you experience love when you and your partner are working together toward something. Whether that something is buying a home or going to and normalizing couples therapy to strengthen your relationship, it's working together and seeing your partner grow because of the goals you have enacted that make you feel you are loved, as well as making you feel like you're giving love. It's the epitome of teamwork. "Many great loves have arisen through a shared ideology, and not only have gone on to flourish, but have stood the test of time and often gone down in history," Emma Hathorn explained to Glamour.

But just because there are three more love languages out there, that doesn't negate the love language you already have with your partner. What it does do is open you up to the idea of other love languages that may possibly become secondary or, depending on where you are in your life and relationship, primary. Love languages can change over time, and now that you have three more options, you may find yourself moving toward one of the new ones because it feels like a better fit.