Your Guide To Confidently Embracing Being On Top In The Bedroom - Exclusive
When it comes to sex, there are lots of positions to choose from. Top, bottom, cowgirl, doggy — the limit is your imagination (and athletic ability). Of course, there are some favorites — and every person has their own preferred position or positions — and being on top may or may not be one of your favorites. If it's not, we promise it's worth it. And, if you try and don't like it, that's fine too, but being on top really has a way of putting you in control.
Trying new positions with your partner is a great way to spice things up in the bedroom and keep things alive romantically. To get the best suggestions for you on trying out being on talk, Women.com spoke exclusively with Dr. Jennifer Litner, sexologist and founder of Embrace Sexual Wellness about getting on top, fighting the fear of being there, and what you may want to do while you're up there.
Getting past the fear and insecurity
Have you been avoiding being on top because of insecurities or fear? Dr. Litner exclusively told us that "Reassurance practices, exposure therapy, and self compassion can be helpful options to consider" for overcoming your fears and feeling more confident while on top. Of course, the more you do it, the more confidence you'll gain, and she added that getting positive feedback from your partner may also help build your confidence. "Finding a supportive sexual partner to explore being on top with may help a person build confidence too," she added.
Sometimes it's insecurity about our bodies that gets in the way — perhaps you're worried that from the bottom vantage point, your partner will see all of your rolls and cellulite. If you feel insecure, or you feel pressure to perform because you're new to this position and not entirely sure what to do, Dr. Litner told us that "Integrating mindfulness skills can help redirect someone's attention to the sensations they are experiencing and away from monitoring their appearance or performance pressure."
How to prepare yourself for it
It's important to be prepared when you're trying something new, and we know many of you reading this will be here because you're a beginner at this sexual position. In our exclusive interview, we asked Dr. Litner how one could prepare for their first time on top. She suggested that "Experimenting with the position in a non-sexual context can be helpful. Practice mounting a pillow to get comfortable in the position to see what kinds of physical support or modifications you may need." She also said that "Some people may find they could benefit from extra cushioning around the knees or want to attempt the position standing versus kneeling. These are all helpful things to know!" And we definitely agree.
If you're feeling out of shape — because being on top is going to take some stamina — Dr. Litner suggested that "You might consider doing some stretching that focuses on opening the hips or strengthening the core for stability." Try some yoga or even some squats to get nice and warmed up before the action begins.
What to do while you're on top
Now that you're feeling more confident and you've done some stretches, what are you supposed to be doing while you're on top? There's a lot to be said about finding the right position up there and figuring out the right rhythm of movement. Plus, there's the case of staying balanced and not falling off your partner or the bed.
Dr. Litner explained that what you do up there depends on your goals. In her exclusive talk with us, she stated that "Some people engage on top by thrusting during penetrative sex whereas others enjoy the connection with their partner from above, which may allow for more access to stimulating their partner's body (chest, abdomen, face, etc.)." If you're looking for more intimacy in your sex life, start with some touching. Dr. Litner added that "There's not necessarily a right or wrong way to be on top and it takes some figuring out with partners to determine which angle feels most comfortable for everyone involved." Of course, if you feel off balance, take your time and try to find a good position up there. There's no rush!
You can add to the pleasure too
If you enjoyed your first time on top and want to continue adding this as just one more position in the bedroom, over time you may want to add something extra to the mix. We asked Dr. Litner in our exclusive interview what she thought might be perfect to go along with being on top in the bedroom, and she said "There may be toys or props you'll want to include if your partner is open to it — body oils, vibrating rings or massagers, bondage ties or restraints are a few ideas."
If you don't already have some of these items tucked away in your bedroom, she also suggested: "Visiting a local sexuality retailer may be a good option for someone looking for inspiration." If you and your partner go together you can discuss which toys each of you are interested in (and comfortable with) and experiment with a few things.
And, if you don't like it ...
There's also a chance you'll discover that being on top just isn't right for you. Perhaps it's too uncomfortable, or you find you get more pleasure in other positions. If your partner really likes it and you don't, don't be afraid to explain why you're not a fan so they can get a better understanding.
Dr. Litner pointed out in our exclusive talk that not wanting to have sex in this position is "totally okay! There are many other positions to experiment with, so suggesting something different would be a great plan in that situation." Rather than going back to your "usual" or sticking with missionary, do a little fun research together to find some other positions to try out. Look for ones you think you'd feel comfortable using, and even if they seem a little tricky, some of the tips here could help for other positions as well.