Every Little Thing To Consider Before You Move For Your Partner
So, your long-distance significant other asked you to move in with them; now what? Whether it was the most romantic gesture in the world (they said they need you with them every day and truly love the idea of waking up next to you every morning) or they said it for practical reasons (it'll help you both save money) — Before you find yourself saying, "I moved for love and regretted it," it's important to take some to think about it. Don't rush into saying "yes" and packing all of your belongings (plus, you have your own lease to consider if it's not at the end yet).
In a time when you can meet someone from any part of the world through online and app dating, the thought of packing up and moving to a new location for love is far more common than it was just a few decades ago. But is it worth it to pack up and relocate for love? That depends on you and your personal experience, but before you put your house up for sale or give notice to your landlord, there are some things you may want to consider.
Consider how long have you been together
Long-distance relationships have a way of forcing people to take more time to get to know each other, but it seems that extra time spent on the phone or video chatting is helping you grow a stronger bond than you might if you lived in the same city. With that in mind, we're going to consider the basic tenets of dating — no matter the distance — when it comes to how soon is too soon for cohabitating.
Depending on where you inquire, some people say you should be together at least a year before you live under the same roof, while other sources say at least two years. Then again, some people move in together after a few months and manage to make things work -– it all depends on the people and the relationship dynamic. With long-distance dating, you likely haven't spent as much time together (like, in person) as you would have if you were living near each other — this may make you a little less comfortable staying together (you don't know yet if they're the type always to leave the door unlocked or throw wet towels on the floor instead of hanging them). Start by considering how well you know one another, spend some weekends under the roof you plan to share, and get a feeling of what living together will be like.
Look at how are you going to make money
Before you consider moving, you need to determine if you are financially stable enough to have some work-free time — unless your job allows you to work solely online or you can transfer to a location in the new area. These days, many jobs are strictly virtual, making it easier to live anywhere you want. But, if you work in an office, retail, or even a field like nursing, online work doesn't work. You'll still have bills to pay, so how are you going to pay them if you don't work from home or aren't able to transfer?
Is your partner going to help support you? If so, you both need to discuss what this means and make a plan for exactly how long they can afford to cover your part of the living expenses. Do you think they'll hold it over your head later that they had to help you along in the beginning (red flag)? You may want to start the job search while you're still weighing whether moving is a good idea or not so your name is out there if you opt to make the move. You may need to take some temporary work to keep yourself afloat while you look for something steady. Is that something you want to do? Are you willing to give up your current job or career for love? These are essential things to consider before you make your final decision.
Make sure there Is room for you there
Before you sell your home or leave your apartment, ensure your partner has room for you to live in their space. Consider those tight quarters if it's a studio apartment while getting used to living with a new person. Consider how much stuff you may have to get rid of if you're moving into a fully-furnished home. Is it worth investing in a storage unit to hold onto your excess furniture (because, let's face it, things might not work out, and you don't want to replace all that stuff)? Is there a chance the two of you will invest in a larger living space down the road, where your furniture that won't fit now will fit then?
Not only do you want to look at whether or not your stuff will fit — but will you? Are you similar enough to make living together easy or different enough to make it a challenge? If there's a challenge, is it worth it to you to face it for love that may or may not last? These are big and deep questions to consider, but you don't want to move into a space where you feel like you can't be yourself or show off the things you love. Talk about whether you get to redecorate, have your own private space, and other things before you move.
Examine the reasons you want to move
Consider the driving forces behind why you want to move. If you're going to move because you enjoy the time you get to spend together and want more of that time, then it's worthwhile to consider cohabitating. However, if you have issues in your long-distance romance and think transplanting yourself to where your partner lives will solve them, you may want to reconsider. Moving in together is more likely to magnify any issues you are having, so it's important to work out those problems first. You'll be more prone to arguments that you can't walk away and cool down if you live in the same space.
If you're curious what some of the right reasons to move in together are, they include being on the same page with things like chores and money responsibilities. If you both have set up boundaries and respect them, and you're both excited about the prospect of living together — then you're ready. But, if you struggle to get along and accept each other's boundaries, you're more worried about the prospect of moving in together, and you haven't spent more than a night or two together at a time, you definitely have some things to work on before moving in together will be a good idea.
Acknowledge that things might not work out
Not all relationships are meant to last, and even those who live close to one another and move in together risk things falling apart. Before you move to a new city, state, or country, you should have a plan set up to deal with a breakup. If things don't work out, what are you going to do? Do you have someone you can stay with there, or will you need to move back to your hometown? If you plan to move back to your hometown, you'll need a plan set in place for that, whether that means couch surfing while you try to find an apartment or staying in a hotel while you secure a place to live. Perhaps you'll want to stay in that area because of your recent career change — can you afford your own space in this new city if you decide to stick it out?
While you may not want to think about things not working out, you don't want to assume it will all be sunshine and roses, either. It doesn't hurt to have some sort of plan laid out. Your best bet is to keep a savings account with enough money for moving expenses and rental money so you aren't left scrambling for cash and a roof over your head. Of course, you also don't want to pack up and leave the first moment things get tough — be sure to talk about issues.
Research the area where you'll be living
Before you move somewhere new, you should ensure you'll enjoy it there — this includes when you're moving for love. While you will instantly have one person to hang out with, you don't want to monopolize all of your partner's time, and you want to know that you can do the things you enjoy doing. If you like concerts, look to see if there are suitable concert venues that book music acts you like. If you enjoy hiking, find out if the area has good parks with walking and hiking paths. If you love shopping and have favorite stores, are those places close to the town you're considering moving to? Do they have restaurants that meet your dietary needs?
It would help if you also considered trying to make friends on social media in that area. This way, you will have some people to hang out with and won't always have to try to drag your significant other around when you don't feel like going to a movie or brunch alone. You're freshly moving in together after dating long-distance, and you don't want to get sick of each other by spending too much time together soon upon your arrival.
Then again, if you're a homebody who likes a quiet life, does it offer that? Are there quiet parks to lounge in or small coffee shops for studying? If your significant other likes having guests and parties, this living situation may not be best for you.
Have the talk about what you both want from this relationship
Have you talked about what you both want from this relationship? Before you move in together, it's essential to take some time to look toward the future. If one of you is looking for marriage and kids and the other isn't, moving in together isn't going to make one of you change your mind necessarily. While love can grow and your wants and expectations in a relationship can change, you also want to look at those deal-breakers before you make a commitment as strong as moving in together, especially when it's a long-distance move.
It's okay to be different and have different wants and needs than your partner. You don't have to speak the same love language; you just need to be able to love each other the right way. However, something as big as one of you wanting children and the other being absolutely against it means you have a lot of work to do to make your relationship last. Never expect your partner to change because this can quickly lead to disappointment. There may be times if you really want your relationship to work, where you'll have to agree to disagree. Managing your expectations by knowing you won't always agree and focusing on your actual needs rather than your wants will help.
Gauge your comfort level with your partner
It's not only crucial that you are moving in for the right reasons and that you are both on the same page, but will you feel comfortable living together? From feeling comfortable using the bathroom during an emergency while your significant other is in the shower to sharing a bed regularly, there are many areas where comfort comes into play when you move in together. Are you usually nervous eating around your partner? Now you'll be doing it daily — can you get used to that, or will it affect your health and dining habits. Do you both feel comfortable with each other's friends — because they're sure to come to visit, and you don't want to feel awkward in your own living space, whether you're the one who just moved in or not.
This is one of those times when the only way to gauge how things will go is to try a trial living together situation. If you have some vacation time or work from home, stay a week with your partner before you add your name to their lease. The best way to judge how comfortable you are around someone is to spend more time with them in more situations. Also, it helps to have your own private space, so you have somewhere to go when you need "me time," like your own home office or spare room.
Think about what you're leaving behind
What you're leaving behind may be enough to make you not want to move, especially if the move takes you hundreds of miles away or even to another country. While you can keep in touch with friends via social media, what's the chance you'll see them regularly offline? Will you be able to visit them every couple of months, or is it more likely you'll only see them every other year? Do your closest family members all live near you right now, and you'll have added travel when it comes time to get together for holidays? These are all critical things to consider when it comes to moving.
Not only that but what about your career? If you love it, are you willing to leave it for love if it's not something you can do where you're moving to? If you're moving to another country, you also have things like a work visa to consider — you may not be able to get a job right away, which also takes us back to the part about money. If you have a side hustle or work for yourself, moving your business may be easier, but if you have dedicated customers and clients who are used to seeing you in person, you'll need to consider how to keep them too.
Find out if your partner is willing to move for you
Before you move long-distance for love, one more significant thing to consider is if your partner would do the same for you. While perhaps one of you has more reasons to stay put, it's important that your partner would be willing to move in the right circumstances, especially if that's what they're expecting of you. Perhaps you live in a rental, but they own a house; that seems like a good reason to move to where they are, but what if your career is right where you are, and you make twice as much as they do — would they put their home on the market to be with you? Don't be afraid to ask this tough question.
While relationships are all about compromise, you want to be sure you're getting as much out of your partnership as you're giving. If your significant other flat-out says they won't move to be with you and can't give you a valid reason as to why not, take that as a red flag. Another red flag to watch out for is if your significant other gets pushy about you deciding on moving before you're ready or if they threaten that it'll be over if you don't move in. If this is the case, find out why they're in such a hurry, and trust your gut if things seem off.