A Crash Course On Dirty Talk (Because We're Awkward Too)

Dirty talk is hot, full stop. But when you're new to dirty talk, it could feel excruciatingly awkward. While you should always ensure that your sexual partner feels safe and secure in bed, a lot of the worry surrounding dirty talk comes from overthinking. Perhaps you're wondering if your partner would enjoy it; perhaps you're going in circles wondering what you would even say to them. The truth is, there is nothing "dirty" about dirty talk. The point is to communicate openly with your partner about both your pleasure and theirs. Dirty talk is not, for example, akin to giving a speech to the United Nations — although we understand it can feel that way when the pressure's on! Instead, think of dirty talk as an art. When you lower the stakes, saying naughty things in bed could become much simpler to wrap your head around. 

Nevertheless, we're here to help you demystify the process. When it comes to trying out new ideas in bed, do not feel you have to jump right in, as one would cannon-ball into a cold pool. What's less sexy than that? It's okay to test the waters, get used to how it feels, and even enjoy the process of realizing a new facet of your sexuality. Dirty talk can be a fun way to connect with your innermost fantasies, as well as those of your partner, all while being a little bit wild. Now that's sexy. 

It's okay to start small

Should you not feel ready to talk dirty in bed, there are some preliminary steps you can take to get more comfortable. Consider the idea that dirty talk can be foreplay. Start small, and send your partner a naughty text. Think about something you like to do to your partner in bed, or something you like that they do to you. Perhaps you know that your partner loves being kissed on the neck; tell them that you cannot wait to kiss them on the neck tonight. Perhaps you love how your partner gently pulls your hair; tell them that you want them to do it again. Detail to your partner what turns you on, and invite them to do the same. When you build the sexual tension together, developing the suspense between you, the sex can be even more exciting later. Dirty talk in this way entails fantasizing together, then bringing those fantasies to fruition. Besides, the more practical benefit of testing out dirty talk over text, is that it's less confrontational than doing it in person. But dirty talk in bed is, of course, the goal. 

There is also a step between texting and the bedroom, and that is exploring dirty talk over the phone. Here, the same principles apply. Should you feel super nervous about saying sexy things out loud, feel free to practice saying them to yourself first. Get comfortable and confident hearing your sultry voice.

Knowing your boundaries boosts confidence

Remember, there is no "right" way to engage in dirty talk — all that matters is what feels good to you, and what feels good to your partner. For this same reason, it is important to understand the parameters of the dirty talk you engage in. Depending on your partner's preferences, or perhaps past experiences they've had, take care not to overstep any boundaries. Talk to your partner about what their limits are. Once you have acknowledged the boundaries of your dirty talk and you've both consented to the exchange, you can feel more confident knowing you will not say the "wrong" thing. 

Perhaps there is a word they wouldn't like to be called or a certain tone that would make them uncomfortable in bed. It's important not to make assumptions about your partner, as everybody is different. Before you take things up a notch, ask your partner plainly what they would like dirty talk to sound and feel like, and what they would not like it to sound and feel like. Perhaps your partner's idea of dirty talk sounds like encouragement and praise. Perhaps your partner prefers dirty talk that sounds wildly X-rated. Then, ask yourself the same thing. Maybe your version of dirty talk entails giving your partner instructions. There are so many ways to express yourself through dirty talk, and the best dirty talk feels specific to your pleasure and your partner's pleasure — not like it's been read off a script. 

Draw from past experiences

Perhaps your main concern is that you simply don't know what to say to your sexual partner. One easy way to get your imagination going is to look back on experiences you have had with them, and consider the parts of that experience that you want to recreate. Maybe there was a specific position that you tried that really did it for you, or perhaps a certain setting or rhythm that you enjoyed. Talk to your partner about those memories, and you may find it can quickly lead to a dirty exchange. Say something along the lines of, "I can't stop thinking about ... " or "Do you remember how it felt when we ... " Then, make plans to relive it. Again, you are building up the fantasy while also taking your experiences to new heights with the added excitement of dirty talk. 

Also, remember that you don't need to use explicit language to engage in dirty talk unless you and your partner are both into it. Dirty talk can be as simple as observing the sensations you're experiencing together, or want to experience together. 

Consider I statements

Now, let's get to the juicy stuff and go over some phrases, shall we? Remember that dirty talk is, at its core, all about communication. And the simpler, the better. One of the most fundamental modes of communication is through "I" statements, and "you" statements, both of which can be applied to dirty talk. Entailing a sense of ownership, "I" statements can be of great use when you want to assert yourself in bed. Examples of "I" statements could be, "I like it when you ... " or "I want you to ... " or "I need you to ... " or "I love how you ... " Should you want to take an even more dominant role in bed, you can use commands. Commands take these phrases as given, so you can begin with the action you want your partner to take. "Take your clothes off," is one example of a command, as is "Kiss me," and "Don't stop." Of course, you can use your imagination to kick these up a notch, when you're ready. 

Consider you statements

The counterpart to "I" statements are, of course, "you" statements. These statements are all about centering your partner and their pleasure. Examples of "you" statements include, "You're so good at ... " or "You feel so ... " and "You're so hot when you ... " They are also great for describing your partner's body and actions, giving praise, and heightening the moment. 

Outside of "I" statements and "you" statements are, of course, a whole vocabulary of possibilities. Dirty talk is all about being in the moment. Consider each of your senses while you're in the act; everything from what you see to what you hear can be used during dirty talk. While engaging in dirty talk might feel awkward at first, after some practice, it will feel like second nature. Remember that you do not, and should not, force anything either. Should something simply not feel good to you, you do not need to make yourself do it. And, depending on how spicy things might have gotten in bed, remember to take care of yourself and your partner after sex as well.