Is Having Sex With A Friend Ever A Good Idea? The Pros & Cons, Explained

If there's anything that movies have taught us, it's that having sex with a friend is a good idea. Why? Because no matter how messy the plot gets, the two people always end up together, happily ever after. It also usually comes together in some very public manner (think 2011's film "Friends with Benefits"), and proclamations of love are tossed around in ways they never are in the real world. But that's Hollywood.

Living in a movie would be a lot of fun, because we don't have such a luxury when it comes to sleeping with a friend; we can't just throw ourselves into it and hope for the best. Instead, we need to weigh the pros and cons, communicate boundaries before we let anything happen, and suck the romance out of it.

According to a 2017 survey of 1000 people, 57% of participants reported having had an FWB situation at some point, and research on the topic by sexual educator Justin J. Lehmiller, PhD found that 59% of people were able to stay friends after the fact — pretty good odds! However, surveys and research still don't answer the question: is having sex with a friend a good idea? To get to the bottom of this burning inquiry, Women exclusively spoke to Dr. Jennifer Litner, sexologist and founder of Embrace Sexual Wellness about this very predicament. Thanks to Dr. Litner we now know whether it's worth rocking the boat of a good friendship all in the name of sex.

One of the major pros of having sex with a friend is there's already a connection there. While you can get on hookup apps for one-night stands or head out some Friday with the intention of taking home some cutie from the bar, with these people there's going to be a level of disconnect. Granted, this isn't to suggest that just because you're good friends with someone you're going to have amazing sex, but there's still a level of intimacy there that doesn't come with a stranger.

As Dr. Litner told Women, sleeping with a friend doesn't just possibly strengthen the bond you already share, but "the familiarity of having sex with a friend may bring a greater sense of comfort, ease, and perceived safety compared to sex with a new partner." Because sex isn't just about the physical aspect, but the mental and emotional factors too, this sense of security will allow you both to relax easier and tune into each other in new and exciting ways. 

On the flip side of bonding and enjoying sexual intimacy when sleeping with a friend, there's the possibility of creating a mess. This is especially the case if one of the friends catches feelings or, even worse, has been carrying around romantic feelings before the sex even started. Either situation could prove lethal to the friendship.

"The uncertainty of a FWB relationship dynamic can exacerbate symptoms of anxiety for some people," said Litner, adding that if romantic feelings become part of the equation and it's only one-sided, in addition to possibly causing some major heartache, it can create challenges if the two of you are dating other people. Then, it's not just about disappointment and heartbreak, but jealousy too. While jealousy in a relationship isn't always a bad thing, because you two aren't in a relationship, there's no place for it. "Navigating FWB can be uncharted territory, even for the closest of friends," said Dr. Litner.

Very few of us are natural-born, perfect communicators. Learning to communicate and do so properly takes understanding, empathy, active listening, and, of course, practice. If your communication skills need some work, then sleeping with a friend could be beneficial because if you want this FWB thing to work, you need to communicate every step of the way.

"Get clear on your expectations for the FWB arrangement, be up front about your boundaries, and understand the potential consequences," said Dr. Litner. "If your goal is a long-term partnership, then an FWB arrangement is not likely to bring you closer to that goal."

Dr. Litner recommended giving your friendship and FWB dynamic a deep dive by asking a series of questions that can help you both unpack the nuances involved. For example, why do you two think you can pull off being FWB, how will you know if it's not working and what's your escape plan? How will you manage if one or both of you start dating someone else? What will you do if one wants to change or end the FWB dynamic? But more than anything, ask yourselves how your relationship will survive if you become FWB, if it will even survive at all. Nothing should be left undiscussed, especially if you value your friendship and the future of it. 

The greatest risk that comes with having sex with your friend is something you probably know but may have chosen to sidestep: you could lose the benefits and the friend that comes with it. While sex is easy to find, friendships are not, and that's something that should always be on your mind.

In research on FWB relationships by sexual educator Justin J. Lehmiller, PhD, 75% of friends with benefits either end within a year or the dynamic changes. Although Lehmiller's findings show that 28% of respondents were able to go back to being friends, the majority, at 31%, lost it all and no longer had any contact with each other. Only 15%, the smallest percentage, evolved into becoming romantic partners. Lehmiller also found that those who prioritized their friendship were able to bounce back to being friends far easier than those who started having sex with the hope or intention of turning it into a romantic relationship.

Is having sex with a friend ever a good idea? There are too many factors to offer a definitive "yes" or "no." If you and your friend can do it in a responsible way where you communicate boundaries and put your friendship above all else, then sure. But if you toss yourself into it one night after too many drinks or you've been romantically pining for your friend, you're not likely to get the ending you want. Unless, of course, you live in a movie.