These Dwight Schrute Quotes Are The Best Thing About 'The Office'
Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.
44 Dwight Schrute Quotes That You Should Absolutely Repeat In Your Office
Since it's one of the most beloved TV shows, we figured fans of The Office would love a list of the best Dwight quotes. Save it, send it, or tattoo it, we don't care what you do with this list! With so many amazing characters, from Dwight to Michael Scott we need to keep laughing thanks to our favorite show. We hope all you fans out there love these Dwight Schrute quotes from The Office.
Dwight Schrute Quotes
"As a volunteer Sheriff’s Deputy I’ve been doing surveillance for years. One time I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me, so I tailed her for six nights straight. Turns out… she was. With a couple of guys actually, so… mystery solved."
"I never thought I'd say this, but I think I ate too much bone marrow."
"Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will."
"I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat, couple of pigs watching."
"As a farmer I know that when an animal is sick sometimes the right thing to do is put it out of its misery. With the electricity we are using to keep Meredith alive, we could power a small fan for two days. You tell me what’s unethical."
"I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran, killed twenty men, and spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life. Different kind of fight."
"I love catching people in the act. That's why I always whip open doors."
"Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud-gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?"
"Bread is the paper of the food industry. You write your sandwich on it."
"Would I ever leave this company? Look, I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly… I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most."
"Who is Justice Beaver?"
"Jim told me you could buy gay-dar online."
"Before I do anything I ask myself, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if the answer is yes, I do not do that thing."
"PowerPoints are the peacocks of the business world; all show, no meat."
The Office Dwight Quotes
"Ah, humor. I have it too."
"People underestimate the power of nostalgia. Nostalgia is truly one of the greatest human weaknesses, second only to the neck."
"The eyes are the groin of the head."
"It's better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose."
"Why would I or anyone else think that you're hot right now? I can't impregnate you, and that's the driving force between male-female attraction."
"Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man."
"Identity theft is not a joke, Jim. Millions of families suffer every year."
"In the end, the greatest snowball isn't a snowball at all. It's fear. Merry Christmas."
"How would I describe myself? Three words: hardworking, alpha male, jackhammer, merciless, insatiable."
"When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life."
"No, don't call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the Commissioner and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes."
"Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms."
"What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come, and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son, and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier."
"In an ideal world I would have all ten fingers on my left hand and the right one would just be left for punching."
Dwight The Office Quotes
"‘R’ is the most menacing sound in the English language. That’s why it’s called ‘murder’ and not ‘mukduk."
"Dolphins get a lot of good publicity for the drowning swimmers they push back to shore, but what you don’t hear about is the many people they push farther out to sea! Dolphins aren’t smart. They just like pushing things."
"The hand that reaches from the grave to grip your throat is the strong hand you want on the wheel."
"Women are like wolves. If you want one you must trap it. Snare it. Tame it. Feed it."
"There are a huge number of yeast infections in this county. Probably because we’re downriver from that old bread factory."
"I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate, I wouldn’t have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I’d just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus I’d be more in tune with the moon and the tides."
"D.W.I.G.H.T – Determined, Worker, Intense, Good worker, Hard worker, Terrific."
"Why are all these people here? There are too many people on this earth. We need a new plague."
"When I die, I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time, to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in."
"I am better than you have ever been or will ever be."
"Always the Padawan, never the Jedi."
"I wonder if king-sized sheets are called presidential-sized in England. I really should have a Tweeter account."
"You think you're excited? You should feel my nipples. Boing!"
"I have a wig for every single person in the office."
"When two gay men have sex, how do they know whose penis will open up to accept the other person's penis?"
"You better learn your rules. If you don't, you'll be eaten in your sleep."
Let's Keep the Conversation Going...
What's your favorite Dwight Schrute quote? We want to know!