34 Michael Scott Insults Are Why We Fell in Love With the Show

Michael Scott looking shocked with his eyes wide in a scene from The Office
via NBC

Goodbye Toby!

34 Michael Scott Insults That Really Sum Up His Character in a Few Words

Michael Scott has some of the most savage insults in the history of television.

Fans of the show can probably quote every single insult from memory. And rightfully so, not only is he one of the best characters he has some of the most hilarious moments due in part to his iconic insults. No one character is completely off limits but poor Toby gets the brunt of the most horrific insults. Yet, Michael Scott still has some of the best relationships with others on the show. So, enjoy some of the most insulting quotes from Michael Scott. And if you miss watching The Office you can watch all seasons on Netflix and here on Amazon.

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Michael Scott Insults

  • "I'll let you in on a little secret: I've been very much looking forward to this moment. Very, very much. I have been steeped in anticipation. Toby has been cruisin' for a bruisin' for twelve years, and I am now his cruise director, and my name is Captain Bruisin'."

  • "Dwight, you ignorant slut!"

  • [To Toby] "You want to hear a lie? I think you're great. You're my best friend."

  • "There is no such thing as an appropriate joke, that's why it's a joke."

  • "Then suddenly, she's not your ho no mo."

  • "Friends joke with one another. "Hey, you're poor. Hey, your mama's dead." That's what friends do."

  • "I tried to talk to Toby and be his friend, but that is like trying to be friends with an evil snail."

  • "Holly and I are like Romeo and Juliet and this office is like the dragon that kept them apart."

  • "Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable. There's a wishing fountain at the mall. And I threw a coin in for every woman in the world and made a wish. I wished for Jan to get over me. I wished for Phyllis a plasma TV. I wished for Pam to gain courage. I wished for Angela a heart, and for Kelly a brain. "Michael, how can you appreciate women so much but also dump one of them?" You mean, how can I be so illogical and flighty and unpredictable and emotional? Well, maybe I learned something from women after all."

The Office Michael Scott Insults

  • "Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me."

  • "Did you know that in Morocco it is common to exchange a small gift when meeting somebody for the first time? In Japan, you must always commit suicide to avoid embarrassment. In Italy you must always wash your hands after going to the bathroom. This is considered to be polite."

  • "Uh, because you've been on the lam? Because the boring police have been after you, and they finally caught up with you?"

  • "Hi. I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania but I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because today is almost over. Abraham Lincoln once said that, "If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North." And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace."

  • "They say that your wedding day goes by in such a flash that you're lucky if you even get a piece of your own cake. I say that's crazy. I say let them eat cake. Margaret Thatcher said that about marriage. Smart broad."

  • "It is St. Patrick's Day, and here in Scranton that is a huge deal. It is the closest that the Irish will ever get to Christmas."

  • "Jim, you're 6'11 and you weigh 90 pounds, Gumby has a better body than you. Boom. Roasted. Dwight, you're a kiss-ass. Boom. Roasted. Pam, you failed art school. Boom. Roasted. Meredith, you've slept with so many guys you're starting to look like one. Boom. Roasted. Kevin, I can't decide between a fat joke and a dumb joke. Boom. Roasted. Creed, your teeth called, your breath stinks. Boom. Roasted. Angela where's Angela? Whoa there you are, I didn't see you there behind that grain of rice. Boom. Roasted. Stanley, you crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom. Roasted. Oscar, you're gay. ... Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck. And you're gayer than Oscar. Boom. Roasted. Alright. Alright everybody, you know I kid, you know I kid. You guys are the reason I went into the paper business, so, uh, goodnight, God bless, God bless America, and get home safe."

  • "Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs do we bother resuscitating them? I mean what kind of quality of life do we have there?"

  • "Remember when people used to say "boss" when they were describing something really cool. Like, "those shoulder pads are really boss man." "Look at that perm, that perm is so boss!" It's what made me want to become a boss. And I looked so good in a perm and shoulder pads. But now, boss is just slang, for jerk in charge."

  • "I want you to take me down. Don't hold back. I want you to really make fun of anything about me. It could be my race, could be the fact that I'm so fit, or I'm a womanizer. Fair game. Whatever. I don't want to write your stuff for you, but I want it to be good."

Michael Scott Toby Insults

  • "Well, you don't even have anyone to go home to Toby."

  • "If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hilter, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice."

  • "This is an environment of welcoming and you should just get the hell out of here."

  • "I tried. I tried to talk to Toby and be his friend. But that is like trying to be friends with an evil snail. I feel like I'm dying inside."

  • "Welcome back, jerky-jerk-face."

  • "You are the silent killer. Go back to the Annex."

  • "Why are you the way that you are? I hate so much about the things you choose to be."

  • "No, he tortured me with his awfulness."

  • "Here is Toby from HR. Toby's divorced. It was really messy. You slept one night in your car too?"

  • "Who let the lemon-head into the room? You are a waste of life and you should give up."

  • [Whispers] "I'm going to kill you."

  • "Toby is in HR, which technically means he works for corporate. So, he's really not part of our family. Also, he's divorced so he's really not a part of his family."

  • "This is the worst. This is the worst! You are the worst."

  • "If you had any friends, you would understand friends joke with each other."

  • "Can I just say, that of all the idiots in all the idiot villages in all the idiot worlds, you stand alone my friend."

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