28 Things You Don't Need to Accomplish by 28

["disbelief", "shock", "passengers", "jennifer lawrence"]
Passengers via Columbia Pictures

Wow! I really don't care.


28 Things I Haven't Achieved Before 28 and Sincerely Don't Care About

If you haven't heard, I am not a fan of age-based goals. You know the articles detailing what you should accomplish by a certain age.

I simply don't care about such trivial goals. If I am to accomplish something, I'd rather do it on my own time by my own rules. And because I'm turning 28 today, I figured I'd lay out all the things I haven't achieved before my most recent birthday. I have not bought a house nor have I had children. I am not the editor-in-chief of a glossy magazine or a decorated hero.

I hope this article serves as a reminder that you don't have to accomplish ridiculous or tedious goals before a certain age. You don't even have to care about this article, which I'm sure will cause at least one woman on Twitter to tweet me something aggressive as a result.

If I may give you a piece of advice for you this year it's simply, "just don't care."

Don't care about your weight; you're great the way you are.

Don't care about your salary; you can't take it with you.

Don't care about arbitrary aged-based goals that literally mean nothing to you if you don't want them to.

Don't care about the stupid shit; it's not worth it!

1. Podcast-less

'The Good Place' via NBC

The popularity of podcasts has reached an all-time high and I've never jumped on board. Yes, of course I have some million dollar ideas, but I've never contributed to the fad and for that, I don't care!

2. Bought a House

via HGTV

I'm not sure when this will be feasible seeing as I am part of a generation who will have an increasingly difficult time obtaining a home. Of course it doesn't help that I live in a city where home prices are incredibly inflated and dumb. I will probably care about this one day but guess what? Today is not that dumb day.

3. Owned a Living Creature

Beethoven via Universal Pictures

Be it a human or pet, I have yet to commit to keeping someone other than myself alive. The pet thing is more related to landlords who don't allow animals but still, never have I had to worry about letting the dog out. As much as I love animals, I'm totally okay with not having my own... yet.

4. Won a Work-Related Award

The Mask via New Line Cinema

I know this doesn't seem interesting but that's because it isn't. Although if you turn to your LinkedIn at any given hour you might see your old roommate or someone you went to high school with showcasing their abnormally shaped glass sculpture. They might be beaming with pride for winning the best account manager for [insert generic business type company here] and that's fine, but I really don't care that I don't have one on my mantel. That is, if I even had a mantel!

5. Drank Enough Water at Any Given Moment

Saturday Night Live via NBC

I hate water. I guzzle sparkling water in hopes that I become a "water person". Between headaches and acne, I've attempted to up my water intake but it never seems to stick. I know, I know, I should drink more water. I don't care.

6. Changed the Way I Look

Real Housewives of New York City via Bravo

This is multi-faceted. My hair hasn't really changed in the past ten years, albeit it has more split ends. The color, style, cut has all stayed the same. As has my face, for the most part. Zits still take up residency (rent free!) but that's old news. I haven't added fillers or botox, and whose to say I never will? But for now, I don't really mind that I look the same (albeit older, I'm not obnoxiously saying I haven't aged) or that my makeup regimen looks like that of an 18-year-old.

7. Completed a Physical Challenge or Feat

Universal Pictures

I applaud those who run marathons or swim in dangerous channels but I have not done that and I don't mind it in the slightest. The only marathons I am interested in are from the Bravo network and you can quote me on that.

8. Learned How to Change a Tire

Clueless via Paramount Pictures

I have definitely YouTube'd how to change a tire, but when I was up shit's creek in the parking lot of a Bristol Farms, I had to call AAA. And I know I should learn how to change one, I haven't and I'm not losing sleep at night because of it.

9. Done My Taxes Without Help

The Hangover via Warner Bros.

Not sure when this will be accomplished because I am terrified of taxes. I will never trust myself enough to do it without help from a smart human or TurboTax. This isn't even an ad for TurboTax!

10. Traveled Alone Internationally

via Columbia Pictures

I grew up overseas due to my parents career paths so no, I haven't traveled alone mainly because I got a taste of something similar earlier in life. I have no interest in really doing it again nor do I regret not doing it in my 20s.

11. Gotten a Tattoo

Dude, Where's My Car? via 20th Century Fox

Nope, no ink for this girl. Frankly, I've never been interested in getting a tattoo mainly because I have no idea what I would get. As indecisive as I am, I'm sure I would hate it regardless.

12. Gone to Coachella

'A Star is Born' via Warner Bros. Pictures

I know! A millennial woman who lives in Los Angeles has not attended the craze that is Coachella. Until this year I had no desire, energy, or flower head piece to get me there.

13. Bought Followers on Social Media

'Yes Man' via Warner Bros. Pictures

Did you know this is a thing that people do? They buy robots and/or followers to increase their popularity on social media, namely Instagram. I have not done this because wow, I do not care.

14. A Road Trip Across the United States

'Crossroads' via Paramount Pictures

I'm sure this is fun for some people but I don't care to try. I love my friends and family but cooped up in a car for a few days while I avoid Texas-chainsaw-massacre-y towns along the way might actually turn me into Leatherface.

15. Invested in Something Monetarily

'Wolf of Wall Street' via Paramount Pictures

I invest in things all the time. I invest in my closet. I am invested in the lives of cast of Vanderpump Rules. What I have not invested in is stock, property, or another third thing people invest in. Whoops but also, whatever.

16. Stopped Biting My Nails

'The Hills' via MTV

I have gotten better about this habit, but it has not left my zeitgeist. It's disgusting, but so are most things.

17. Moved to a New City

Friends via NBC

I encourage other people to explore new cities for new experiences but this old lady is content at home. See? Again, I don't care!

18. Learn to Gamble

'Casino Royale' via Sony Pictures Releasing

I don't know if you can tell, but I don't care about a lot of things. Gambling is one of them. I would like to make money or keep the sum that I have and if there's even a chance of losing a penny, I don't care for it.

19. Learned a New Language

'Modern Family' via ABC

Now if we're talking about forgetting a new language then yes, I have accomplished that. Sometimes I am fluent in English but I learned Spanish and Italian when I was younger. I have yet to pick any of said languages back up nor added something new to my vernacular.

20. Lived Alone

'Home Alone' via 20th Century Fox

As I mentioned earlier, I live in a city where owning a home, or living in an apartment alone is relatively expensive. Because of this, I have never lived alone. I applaud those who do though because it seems like a fun time but I do not care that I never got to pee with the door open. I do that anyway.

21. Posted Videos to YouTube

'PEN15' via Hulu

YouTube is a beast I have no desire taming. I am not gifted in video production or editing, so I have not contributed to popularity of YouTube videos. No makeup tutorials coming from this girl, sorry.

22. Mastering Meditation

'Mad Men' via AMC

I enjoy yoga (sometimes), but I have not mastered the art of meditation. Unless I am asleep in my gorgeous bed at home with eye mask securely fastened, this mind is going to race regardless of deep breaths of mindfulness.

23. Watched Game of Thrones


Nope. And even if I wanted to I know all the spoilers at this point. Oh, and I really don't care about the red wedding.

24. Read the Harry Potter Books

Warner Bros.

Okay, this might be the most controversial factoid you'll learn about my 28 years on this earth. I've never read any of the Harry Potter books. I, of course, have seen all the movies, I am not a MONSTER. For whatever reason when I was a young girl I didn't find them interesting. I haven't revisited them as an adult simply because, you guessed it, I don't care.

25. Experienced a "Work Trip"

via Comedy Central

I think I'm probably more thankful for this one but yes, I've never had to go on a work trip. There aren't many reasons why I would need to but I don't care that I haven't gotten miles from staying in the JetBlue lounge before flying off to Madison, Wisconsin for a conference.

26. Created Music

'Bob's Burgers' via FOX

Oh, wow, sorry but I really don't care about this one. I am not musical which helps as to why I don't care about making music but I haven't even joked around with iMusic when I bought my first MacBook.

27. Conquered My Fear of Heights and Sharks

Jaws via Universal Pictures

I absolutely cannot stand sharks and heights, in no particular order mind you. On almost every list I researched before writing this (read: 30 Things Any Girlie Must Do Before She Turns the Big 3-0) the goal was to conquer a fear. Screw that! I will not swim with sharks or jump out of a plane. Fear keeps me young and I don't care to make peace with either depilating trepidation.

28. Learned to Drive a Stick Shift

Mad Men via AMC

Similarly to changing a car tire, I have not learned how to drive a stick shift. My dad use to nag me that I should learn "just in case" and I'm sure he's right but I don't care.

via The CW

As you can tell, it's easier not caring about trivial things, especially in relation to turning a certain age. Maybe I'll learn with I'm 30.

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