How Do You Change Your Yes To A No In The Heat Of The Moment?
Ahem. Could you please, cough get off me?
So, you went upstairs with the date you still aren't sure of. I mean, maybe once you get inside his apartment a well placed tchotchke on his shelf will reveal how you were in fact, "meet cute" soul mates?
I mean, maybe all of those little things that kind of bothered you at dinner, like him talking over you or staring at the girl at the other table all night would magically disappear?
Or maybe, that's just the wine talking.
Cut to 20 minutes later and now you find yourself wedged in the corner of some wanna be college boys futon couch, underneath his fitful pants, as he unromantically paws at your chest with his ogre hands. -- Charming.
But what do you do now?
Now here's where us ladies often have an inner demon that needs to be expunged. How many of you have a moment of anxiety about changing your mind?
It's interesting to ask yourself as well, how many of you think a man in the opposite position, if he truly didn't find a women sexually appealing, would even give a second thought about whether he should put a stop to the sexual advances right then?
The Psychology Behind Saying No
Most women have a difficult time saying no, especially if they think someone’s feelings may be at stake or if they think they’ll not be liked. Despite what most women think, this is not some immutable gene or biological defect.
Rather, it's actually a socially learned coping mechanism that can, with a little time and attention, be unlearned.
As young children, girls are socialized to be nice and to be more in touch with their own and other people’s feelings than are boys. There’s nothing wrong with being nice. And there is definitely nothing wrong with being liked. Boys on the other hand are socialized to be less attuned to people’s feelings, and to win.
What this means is that when girls and boys and women and men start playing together – and for some, dating is a game – women are at a slight disadvantage. They want to play nice, whereas guys just want to win.
I think women can sometimes self impose shame regarding our sexual desires when it clearly opposes the male dominated media voice. The one that whispers don't be a "Bitch" or "High Maintenance" or perhaps the most grossly misused female adjective "Bossy." Because you wouldn't have gone upstairs unless you really wanted it right? -- And to that I'll say, well yeah, maybe I DID want it, 20 MINUTES AGO, it's a free country, and you know what, free will crept in and I seem to have change my mind after testing the goods.
Just know that you're not a freak of nature or an especially weak person for having this inner monologue. This isn't your fault, as women we live in a society where we're constantly inundated with impossible expectations. I mean, the media often derogatorily portray women who simply just have an opinion about what others tell them they should do with their own body.
Listening to your true voice
Somewhere though, your real voice kicks in, over all the other noise, the one that doesn't pander to your insecurities of dying alone or only wanting a boyfriend just incase you slip in the shower, and you realize things just really need to stop ...and it does't matter how "inconvenient" it may be for your date, that you definitely, most certainly, without a shadow of a doubt, have changed your mind.
So with all that in mind, here are some ideas to try to make this particular situation a bit less awkward for the both of you.
Ask to use the bathroom
Then while putting yourself back together in the bathroom, quickly come up with a reason that you have to suddenly leave. For instance, *"your landlord just texted that you have a terrible water leak at your apartment and you need to go home immediately." Even if the guy doesn't believe you, it does provides a less awkward way for you to leave and possibly for him to save a bit of face.
Just kindly ask him to get off of you and leave
No harm, no foul. There's nothing wrong with taking the direct approach if that's your style!
Don't beat yourself up over it!
Every experience is a growing experience, especially the uncomfortably awkward ones.
And if he's a dick about it....
SHARE this list with your friends so they know how to change their yes to a no in the heat of the moment!