31 Funny Comebacks For The Working Mom

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Dear mom guilt - - You're a bitch.

With dual income families becoming the norm and as more women enter the workforce, there seems to be a lot more criticism directed at the "working mom." However, despite the criticism mothers who work face, studies keep continually proving that children who have a working mom are actually better off! Not to mention that 70 percent of mothers these days with young children are clocking full-time hours. Yet even so, only 16 percent of Americans think a full-time working mom is best for the kids.

So working moms - - this list is for you, cause while you're probably the most guilt ridden people on the planet, studies are proving that working moms are great role models, just as close to their kids as stay-at-home moms, that day care doesn't screw up your kids, that you spend just as much "quality time" with your kids as other moms, AND often your kids, the kids of working moms, get better grades.

Comment:

“I could never let someone else raise my kids.”

Comeback:

“Really? Not even the Beckhams? They seem like a cool family. But until they offer, I guess I’ll have to continue raising my kids, too — just with some help.”

Comment:

“You must really miss your kids when you’re at work.”

Comeback:

“Yes. Almost as much as I miss having access to Pinterest.”

Comment:

“You look exhausted.”

Comeback:

“So you’re saying I should invest in stronger concealer?”

Comment:

“I don’t know how you do it. I’d feel too guilty.”

Comeback:

“I do sometimes. I also feel guilty when I hide in the bathroom and eat the kids’ candy, but what I’ve learned is: we all survive it.”

Comment:

“I don’t understand how you could choose your career over your kids.”

Comeback:

“Four words: ‘eeny, meeny, miny, moe.’ In all seriousness, though, I think you’ve misunderstood: I chose kids AND my career.”

Comment:

“Your house must be a mess.”

Comeback:

“You really need to stop peeking in my window.”

Comment:

“There’s always time to work later; these early years are so precious.”

Comeback:

“Do you think the utilities company will accept that excuse as an IOU?”

Comment:

“I’d give anything to get away from my kids for an entire day.”

Comeback: “You’re hired!”

Comment:

“If your husband is successful, why do you need to work?”

Comeback:

“Free Bagel Wednesdays. Duh.”

Comment:

“Your kid is acting out because he doesn’t get enough parenting.”

Comeback:

“No, he’s just mad they’ve renewed ‘Keeping Up with the Kardashians’ for another season.”

Comment:

“I think next session, we will do the lessons at 4pm instead of 5:30pm!”

Comeback:

Okay, I'll be there whenever you decide to hold your lessons and practices for kids during hours that working parents can possibly be there.

Comment:

“Wow, that’s a nice purse/hair-cut/bracelet…wish I could afford it.”

Comeback:

Definitely not code for “SEE??? You work to buy yourself nice things, not just to help your family scrape by!” I wish I had the life that so many assume that I do as a dual-income household. It sounds pretty baller.

Comment:

“Maybe he would be less hyper if he got to spend more time with you.”

Comeback:

This one hurts and I’ve actually had someone say this to me. Suggesting that my kids would be somehow better off I were around more is like a knife straight in my heart because then I start to wonder if it might be true.

Comment:

“Couldn’t you just work part-time? You are gone so much!”

Comeback:

A little known fact among people who have never searched for daycare is that part-time hardly costs less than full-time. Why would a daycare provider, who has to adhere to a certain headcount, accept your part-time kid when they could make the full amount for a full-time kid? I did pursue part-time work initially but once I added up the cost of two small children in daycare part-time I quickly realized I would have to work full-time to turn a real profit.

Comment:

“HOW DO YOU DO IT??”

Comeback:

This one might seem like a compliment but in my experience, it is usually something of a challenge. As in, “Go ahead and make me believe that your family is not living in a shitty filth hole and eating Ramen on top of a pile of dirty laundry every night.”

Comment:

“Don’t you MISS the kids when you are at work?”

Comeback:

Of-fucking-course I do, genius. Does it bother you enough thinking of that to help me pay my bills? No? Then please, stop talking.

Comment:

“I could NEVER leave my babies at daycare!”

Comeback:

It may be true- you may really feel that you could NEVER leave your babies at daycare but some of us are without a choice. And this phrase also reeks of “I’M A BETTER MOTHER THAN YOU!” So yeah, STFU before letting this one escape your lips.

Comment:

“It would be nice if you could spend more time in the classroom- I know your daughter would love it!”

Comeback:

My daughter’s kindergarten teacher was awesome and I know she said this because she deeply cared for my child. However, I volunteered PLENTY in her class that year- at every class party and a random day here and there. Parental involvement at school is a thing now. Not that I have anything against it, but it makes me feel awful that I can’t be there all the time. I wish we could just throttle back and make school a place mostly for kids and teachers. Or at least back the fuck off the working moms understanding that we need to save our time off for when our kids have a fleck of booger in their eye and Dr. Daycare says “IT’S PINK EYE STAY AWAY FOR 24 HOURS!”

Comment:

“Mrs. Williams? You need to come pick up Mini Williams- he has a fever.”

Comeback:

Which brings me to the phone call no working mother wants to receive. It seems that whenever it comes, my husband is ensconced in a meeting and unreachable and I am in the middle of a shit-storm and have to abandon my desk and fly to daycare to rescue my kid. Don’t get me wrong, I am not angry with my child nor do I blame him for being sick but I cannot help the panicky downward spiral of “What if this is a bad virus and the fever hangs on for five days and OMG I’M GOING TO LOSE MY JOB!” No illness is simple as a working mother - you have to think 10 steps ahead and have a game plan. It sucks.

Comment:

“Can’t you at least be an assistant coach this season?”

Comeback:

Um, no. I can’t. I barely have time to make dinner, help with homework and spend “quality time” with my kids on weekday evenings. I definitely don’t have time to guide your Speshul Snoflach away from nose-picking and on to making contact with the ball.

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