Female Orgasm 101: The Toe Curling, Lip Biting Truth
The confessions are big, the secrets are varied, the mess ups mortifying and the insights - - life changing.
"I blurted out all of my thoughts to one of my closest friends. I felt this surge of adrenaline as I began to confess every detail to her, from the thrilling to the mortifying,"
Full of gasps of surprise and full-body laughter....This is an excerpt from the blog, HOW TO MAKE ME COME, a candid platform for women to extend the dialogue about the female orgasm to a much larger and needed women's circle. The blog was launched last year by an anonymous founder and is now jam packed with essays written by women talking about the many under discussed details of their sexual experiences, fantasies, frustrations and of course, the female orgasm.
I think as women, we talk about nearly everything with each other, but only in private. We talk about orgasms with our besties, but it's often discussed with reticence and hushed whispers, sometimes giddily, sometimes it's horribly mortifying, but it is ALWAYS enlightening.
And HOW TO MAKE ME COME, is just one strong voice among a much larger and vast community of women who share this same sentiment and desire to connect on this issue.
So, while I'll go over the "9 Things You Didn’t Know About The Female Orgasm," this will also hopefully be only the beginning of the conversation.
I know, I KNOW ... this is kind of taking our friendship a bit quickly to that next level, but hasn't this conversation been long overdo anyway? Sex is NO secret and when it comes to the female orgasm - - the devil is definitely NOT in the details.
AND Women are desperately in need of some Big O help. Check out these terrible stats:
– 10% of women have never experienced orgasms (despite great efforts)
– Only 29% of women regularly experience orgasms (from/with their partner)
– 33 – 50% of women experience infrequent orgasms (reports/studies vary)
Yeeeeah ...... BUT,
Enough with the shame. Let's start talking.
Here is a list of the 9 Things You Didn’t Know About The Female Orgasm:
#1. I Think I Can, I Think I Can!
Listen up Queen, a lot of women don't know this, but your biggest stumbling block to achieving that mind blowing climax is actually most likely you, and all the thoughts and fears you carry about your orgasm.
So if you're having trouble achieving those mind blowing orgasms, before you blame it on your partner, be sure to first start with the basics, stand infront of that mirror and remind yourself:
Because science is discovering that women might have to "think" about having an orgasm in order to feel one. So you may be unconsciously sabotaging your own climax by overthinking it OR not thinking about it enough!
This doesn't make it harder to achieve orgasm though, it's just different! While men's olfactory sensors are highly sensitive to the "smell" of estrogen and that can cause men to quickly climax, the "female" brain is less receptive to this particular stimuli.
Maybe as women we just need to get better at understanding that our mind plays a bigger part in this equation than we originally, well thought.
And not only can your thoughts affect you when you're in the act of sexual intercourse, there are tons of women, including Lady Gaga, who report being so good at sense memory that they can literally think there way to orgasm...
Which leads me to the next little known fact:
#2. I Thought I Could And I Did - The Hands-Free Orgasm
In an article written by the New Yorker titled: "Lady Gaga Can Orgasm Without Touch—And So Can You", the pop songstress reveals, "I don’t know if this is too much for your magazine, but I can actually mentally give myself an orgasm. You know, sense memory is quite powerful."
Oh Gaga! No, you never share too much, please tell us more....
She explains to the author that acting classes she took during her youth helped her to fine-tune her imagination. From drinking out of an imaginary coffee cup, to thinking herself to an orgasm. Gaga is also apparently the queen of the Big O.
The extent to which women control their orgasms is still up for debate, but it is clear that the chemicals responsible for producing orgasms act differently in the brains of men and women, further suggesting both parties respond best to different kinds of stimuli.
So do women have more control over physical pleasure in the brain than men? Does this mean most sexual problems happen in the brain? The answers to many of these questions are years away from any definitive answer. However, while we wait for modern science to explain the brains affect on human sexuality better, this doesn't stop us women from opening up a dialogue amongst ourselves to understand it on a purely visceral level.
Because the mind is really only half of the equation. The female body is also very responsive to direct stimulation and there are many ways that orgasm can be achieved through physical movement, like:
#3. Yogasms - Add An Extra O To Your Om
"I pressed my tongue to the roof of my mouth, closed my eyes, and rolled them up to point between my eyebrows. Warm vibration filled my entire body. Then, my lips curled up into an unabashed smile, and I gingerly lowered myself back down to my mat."
- From "LET’S TALK ABOUT YOGASMS".
Rumors of the elusive yoga orgasm have circulated for years, but recently, teachers and students have begun discussing the phenomenon more openly. Sex researchers are also honing in on the subject: “It’s another way that a woman can bring herself to orgasm without touching herself,” says sexologist Dr. Jeffre TallTrees, in the article, "Some Women Are Having Orgasms In Yoga Class".
Now you may be rolling your eyes right about now, but this is a real thing that lots of women have experienced and it has even been the subject of several medical journals.
In The Telegraph article, "So can yoga really give you an orgasm?", Maxine Frith, discusses what this phenomenon is, the basics of the practice used to achieve it and real life testimonials from some of the women who have experienced them.
"Beverley Drumm, a 50-year-old former business analyst in north London, has experienced the yogasm – during the first yoga class she ever attended she said “It was so intense that I cried, I went up to the teacher afterwards and said I wanted to learn more.” That was six years ago. She now teaches the technique in her own yoga classes."
The Daily Mail also discusses the " Yogasm," and reveals the top poses that can be used to induce the Big O in their article, "Rise of the ‘Yogasm’: With 20 percent of women getting more from their Ommm…".
Fun! So, maybe see if you can master some of these steamy yoga poses and add an extra O to your Ommm sometime...
#4. The "Elusive" Female Orgasm Is Just Popular Mythology
I, for one, do not think that the female orgasm is elusive at all. A lot of men discuss the female orgasm as if it were some lone sasquatch in the woods that is hard to capture and even more difficult to understand.
Men and women are both anatomically and emotionally different creatures. We respond to stimuli differently. The key to un-locking the secrets to the female orgasm is in understanding how these differences change the ingredients necessary to produce a sexually gratifying experience.
Women have had to sit and listen to social commentary about our vagina for a long time and the predominant voice we've heard on this issue is from men -- the people lacking one.
While the male interjection is most often a product of naivety and meant to be completely harmless, it is also completely removed from any true experience to substantiate its claims.
I believe that a lot of our current thoughts regarding the female orgasm, like its elusive qualities, are mainly a bi-product of society only hearing the male perspective and frankly the male misunderstanding of a very uniquely feminine experience.
None of this is meant to ostracize men for their lack of knowledge on a topic that is not readily discussed, it's just that, a lot of women know exactly what they want and also exactly how to get it. Maybe it's time we don't stay silent and do some re-schooling.
#5. Your Vagina Is A Fucking Rainbow
Women are capable of many many different kinds of orgasm -- clitoral, G-spot, vaginal, ejaculatory, blended orgasms, etc. Not only that, but they can have a variety of different types of orgasms at the same time ...
so taste the rainbow. 🍭🌈
#6. Talk Dirty To Me - The More Foreplay The Better
We all know foreplay is important, but it's turns out that, not only is foreplay essential for most women to orgasm, but it also can determine the quality of your orgasm when it finally happens.
While a lot of men and women believe that bringing a woman to orgasm largely has everything to do with penis size or pornographic skills, this is not true. Learning about the spots that, when stimulated, can lead to a female orgasm is essential, but without the foreplay, it's likely to never be a truly gratifying experience.
One aspect of foreplay that men and even a lot of women underestimate is the power of foreplays non-physical aspects that stimulate a woman's mind in a very physical way.
Zara Barrie, in her article Make Love To My Mind: Why Conversation Is The Best Kind Of Foreplay for Elitedaily.com proposes "Conversation is the sexiest foreplay, the perfect prelude to sex, the fiery banter that gets you heated, the stimulation of the mind that transmits to the body. Conversation is a give and take. Just like sex itself. And the best give and takes — the best conversations — lead to the best sex."
AND, I think A LOT OF women would agree. SO, get your partner to pick your brain more about the topics that most inspire you and maybe he can even take some notes from Drake and whisper those sweet nothing into your ears more.
#7. Most Men Don't Understand Your Orgasm, Like AT ALL!
Not even like a little bit ladies, and while achieving female orgasm is not rocket science, there still seems to be a lot of rocket scientists who have not learned this simple formula.
But all it takes is a little practice, tenderness, and knowing how to stimulate the sweet spots. Remember too, that just because the female orgasm isn't discussed as much as it should be, that is no reason for any women to feel ashamed about discussing it.
So loves, if you're having trouble in the bedroom, you need to explore yourself, brush up on female anatomy 101 and then school your partner on what works for you in the bedroom or you're never going to get there.
PLUS most guys REALLY do want to please their partner, so throw your guy a bone or give him one 😉 and guide him through what works for you!!
It also doesn't hurt to understand which sexual positions provide the best chance of achieving orgasm (hint: the missionary position isn’t one of them!). Read on to discover the TOP secrets to female orgasm.
#8. Location, Location, Location
Given what you've just learned, let's get really physical for a moment, because it is still a KEY component in your big O cocktail.
So, maybe you can pretty much guess that the best sexual positions for female orgasm involve those which provide maximum stimulation to the clitoris or G-spot (or both!), but do your know the best positions and why?
These positions include:
Woman On Top: This position provides some of the best stimulation of the G-spot, given the angle of the penis. She also can move her body in a way that stimulates her clitoris.
Rear Entry: This position isn't so great for clitoral stimulation, but provides excellent penetration and stimulation of the G-spot. Either of you can reach under during sex to rub the clitoris.
Sitting: Having your lover sit on your lap allows for both deep penetration and good clitoral stimulation. It also provides plenty of intimacy
AND Don't forget those Toys!
Bear with me here though, you're going to have to explore a bit, but always talk with your partner about what their comfortable trying. Staying relaxed and enjoying the process is arguable more important than trying any new exotic positions!
And, for any guys that might be reading out there, take a tip from J.D. Salinger, who once said:
A woman's body is like a violin, it takes a terrific musician to play it right
#9. While Men Can Climax Quicker, Women Are Capable Of Repeated Pleasure
Yes, ladies, if this wasn't on your radar, it should be, because while men are capable of reaching climax with greater ease than women, us gals are capable of reaching the Big O again and agin, and long before any man can recover from their first tango.
Take a deep breathe, you got through some BIG topics and there might have even been some firsts in here that left you with a lot of questions! This is all fabulous. Go ask those questions, go test that hypothesis and maybe even be the pioneer in your women's circle that breaks the ice regarding the Big O.
To follow the sentiments of the late and great Sam Cooke, "It's been a long time, a long time coming, but I know a change gonna come."