I don't care if it's supposed to be classy, red wine is the worst.
It's dirty, expensive, and could even be making you sick.
Don't believe me? Here's why red wine is kind of awful:
1. Red Wine Teeth, Anyone?
You're on a romantic date and they smile and... and the inside of their mouth looks like a murder scene.
2. Hell, It Takes Over The Whole Mouth
Their lips are stained. It gives you a demented clown mouth. Not a good look for anyone.
3. Antioxidants, Schmantioxidents— It Does Nothing For You
Everyone insists that red wine is so good for you. Well, guess what? That's not a real thing. Science says so.
4. You Can Ruin It, While You Try To Get To It
If you open a bottle of wine and break the cork then the whole thing can be ruined. What fresh hell is this?
5. It's So Expensive
I went out with friends and they ordered a sixty dollar bottle of wine. Sixty dollars for something that tastes terrible. Do they know how many candy bars I could buy with that?
6. Speaking Of Which, It Tastes Terrible
I'm pretty sure everyone is only pretending to like it. To look grown up or something.
7. It Gives The WORST Hangovers
You just want to crawl up and die. It's a special sort of sick.
8. It Makes You Act Insane
Red wine drunk is a mixture of tears and tears and regret and tears and probably vomit and tears. Avoid at all costs.
9. Mulled. Effing. Wine.
British people add spices and oranges and heat it up— and it still is awful.
10. If You Spill It You Ruin Everything Forever
Hope you didn't like that carpet. Or any of your clothes. Or your dreams.
11. Picking Which To Order Is A Horrible, Confusing Nightmare
There are way too many options. And if you pick the wrong one, you'll be judged. You'll be judged hard.
12. And Trying To Pronounce It Is Even Worse
Do you try to pronounce it in the accent of where it's from? Is that worse? Can you just die now and get it over with?
13. It May Be Really Messing With You
Some studies have shown that nearly 25 percent of people are allergic to wine. That's right. Allergic. And they probably don't even know it. It can be seriously effing you up.
14. It Keeps You From Drinking What You Really Want
Ultimately, it's just keeping you from other drinks, from better drinks. It's keeping you from the drinks you'd actually enjoy.
Don't give into peer pressure, guys— you're better than that. Stick to what you love to drink and have one on me.
Hate red wine? SHARE Your stories and your favorite drink ideas!