SiriusXM Psychic Deborah Graham Speaks About Love & Lasting Relationships
Searching for love? Who isn't!
Valentine's day is right around the corner and since thoughts about love, dating and relationships are on the top of many minds, Women.com spoke with the star of SiriusXM’s Psychic Connection, Deborah Graham. Deborah Graham is a gifted psychic with more than thirty years of experience as a spiritualist, reader, advisor and psychic relationship coach. She is known for her mystical insights, unfiltered advice and humor. When it comes to L-O-V-E she is the PERFECT person to answer all of our questions!
With the release of the newly revised edition of her first book, Deborah shared her insight with Women.com. If you are looking for your soulmate or your twin flame, look no further. Our exclusive interview series continues with a one-of-a-kind special guest! Deborah is known for providing both a spiritual and practical foundation for making the dream of happily ever after a reality!
You describe yourself as a “psychic matchmaker.” Can you clarify what that means?
Well, I’m definitely not your traditional matchmaker. I’m quite different than your normal matchmaker because I look in your soul not at you. So, most matchmakers will match people according to what their like, wants, and desires are. You might look at somebody and say, okay, well they look similar in the physical body. I’m like Shallow Hal. I don’t look at you, I look in you and I do it on a completely energetic level. So, it’s quite different because when I’m looking at someone, I’m looking at their soul. And of course, everybody wants love, who doesn’t want love, but a lot of people are not ready for love because they hold on to a lot of baggage. So, my work is to help people get rid of the obstacles and the blockages whether they’ve been divorced, they’ve been married, never had a relationship. I mean hell, I’ve matched people from literally in their 20s to 90s. So, I say if I can match a 90-year-old, I can freaking do it to anyone.
In movies, novels, songs, and even commercials, our culture portrays true love as something magical. Something that just happens between two people who are meant to be together. What’s wrong with this popular notion of romance and happily ever after?
Because people are so busy trying to figure out who they are that they’re wanting this magical experience that happened like a wham, bam, thank you ma'am. But absolutely! Anybody can have that true love and have that magical experience. Why not?! But until you figure out who you are, then none of that magical stuff that you see on TV, you know, or whether you’re reading a book, it’s kind of like a fantasy. You got to make your fantasy become a reality in order for you to step outside your comfort zone. But remember, it’s all about having that love, giving that love and all of that what we see in the world can happen and you can connect to that, but the only way it’s going to last is that you connect with you in order to project some positive energy.
Would you shed light on the intrinsic bond between love and energy? How does finding love begin with feeling love from within?
It’s an energetic thing. When you look at somebody, I always tell people to have direct eye contact. Look into their eyes. Look into their soul. Because the way that you can really connect with somebody is by really going deep into their soul and that is more of an energetic connection versus a physical.
Let's get real. Sex, if you’re lucky is a 15-20 minute thing and you know, that’s great. You have this great passion, you have this great sex but you need to look at this person 30-40 freaking years down the road and know that you're connecting with this person on an energetic level. That’s what you call a true psychic match because that’s a relationship that can and will last for the rest of your life. Even on the outside of this realm. Even in the afterlife.
You’re connecting with that partner, soulmate, lover, whatever it is you want to call it, but it’s about finding that perfect match and that’s not easy. It’s almost like winning the lottery can feel easier than really connecting and finding your true partner. When it comes to your true twin energetic connection, you’ve got to really sift through it and sometimes it takes weeks, months, years, even a lifetime so you just got to be energetically open. But again, when connecting with somebody, the window to their soul is through their eyes.
What is your definition of a soul mate? What distinguishes a soul mate from a “twin flame”?
Oh, now that’s a big one! Okay, so we have three kinds of soulmates. We have soulmates, we have connecting soulmates, and then we have twin flame soulmates. So, let me tell you what a soulmate is. A soulmate could be somebody who’s a girlfriend, a guy friend, it could be somebody who you’re just connected with because your souls are just like, you know, connected together. You have this energy and it’s like you know that you’re going to be friends forever. Okay? Then you have a connecting soulmate and a connecting soulmate could be somebody you connected with, but maybe you weren’t really meant to be together for the rest of your life. You were together because you had a family, you had kids or you were just two souls passing through the night. Then, coming into your twin flame soulmate. That’s the big one! Now, this is the bad news. 90% of people do not even get a chance to even meet their twin flame soulmate. That’s what we call the nearest of rare.
When you meet a twin flame soulmate, you’re like two physical bodies but trapped into one soul. What does this mean? It means that when you connect - and everybody is saying, oh, I want to find a twin flame - don’t be so fixated that you got to find the twin flame soulmate because chances are you may or may not ever meet them and that’s okay! Because when you do connect with a twin flame soulmate, it will be the highest of highs and then again it will be one of the lowest of lows. Now what I mean by that is it’s almost like looking at a mirror of yourself. So, a lot of clients have told me, I’ve met my twin flame soulmate, I have talked to him years, yada yada, yada, but I’m still feeling that. So, it’s almost like telepathic. Even if you don’t talk and you don’t see each other, you can feel each other’s energy, because it’s an electro magnetic force field.
When you are connected with a twin flame soulmate, that’s what we call a love that will connect and it will last forever, even in the afterlife. It can be one of the greatest relationships and it will be one of the craziest relationships as well. So, it’s kind of like a good and a bad and the ugly all in one.
That is so interesting. I never knew that it was that rare to find your twin flame.
Oh, yea. Oh, yea. You can find a soulmate, you can find a partner soulmate, but when you find that twin flame, it’s like oh my god! That’s a heavy relationship. That means it’s a roller coaster. It’s like a heart monitor goes up, it goes down, it goes up, it goes down. It’s kind of like you’re on and off the treadmill.
How can a person seeking a lasting loving relationship know when she or he has found “the one”?
You just feel something in your gut. You just feel it right there and you know it. It’s not something you see, it’s something you feel. You don’t look at the person. You look within that soul and when you feel that connection, it’s something that is completely fulfilling. She or he will know that they found their twin flame soulmate or that soulmate or that partner or whoever it is that they're connecting with at the time because you feel something unlike you never have and you feel something like never before.
That person may not even be connecting with you, they may even be rejecting you, but you feel that connection. That’s something worth working on and it’s something that is worth waiting for. Work towards it and build that bridge so you can make it happen. When you feel that, it’s always in your gut, it’s never in your head, it’s never in your heart, it’s always in your gut. Otherwise known as the Gita. Gita is the energy that connects you to god’s spirit, connection. It’s electromagnetic. I mean, you just know it because you freaking feel it deep and large right there in your soul.
Now, you said the word "rejection". So can this be toxic at some point?
Absolutely. It can be rejection. It could be very toxic because you gotta remember, no one is going to come to you 100% whole, perfect or complete. You have to work through those layers and layers and layers and layers and layers of fear and emotion in order to really get down to the root and core of you.
Let me throw something else out there. Even if you do meet your soulmate, it's all about timing. The timing has to be right. You both have to be at the right place, at the right time because that’s how the universe makes it happen. If you’re not in sync, energetically, then chances are it may not work out at the time. It could be maybe 10 years later. I mean, I’ve had people meet like, you know, 40 years ago and then reconnect 40 years later and the timeline was perfect. Some people meet their soulmates but the timeline is just not right, even in this lifetime. So, you just have to be open and ready to get ready. It’s all about energy, synchronicity, working on your belief system and getting out our freaking heads!
Would you explain your dating “rule of three”?
Yeah, I have a really weird one. Okay. I like for all of my clients, or anyone that I am speaking to or trying to teach or learn from, to basically have the rule of three. That means three months, being monogamous. This means not connecting with other people but also not having SEX! That's so freaking hard for people!! You're not gonna have sex. You could touch, you could hug, you could lick but don't put the lizard in the lily pad for at least three months. I'm going to tell you that this has worked. I've seen it work for the last 30 years of me doing this. The reality is, is that when a person feels like it's a sexual thing, it's kind of like oooh on to the next, on to the next, but when you're telling somebody I want to be monogamous for three months, I want to get to know you on a deeper soul level versus a physical level, that person is going to wait out. It's kind of like being on a diet. You're like, oh my god, I see that chocolate cake. I just want to sink my teeth into it. But, you are like no, you got to get to your goal weight and then you can take your bite.
So, number one, be monogamous for three months. The second is go out within three weeks on three dates. So basically, if that person says well, I'm not available, or I got this going on or that going on, okay, you're going to give one strike, two strikes, three strikes, you're out but you definitely need to try to meet each other within three weeks and it needs to be three dates. Last but not least, it's about looking again, into that person's soul and ask as many questions as possible that you can about them and less about yourself because you don't want that person to become what you're looking for. You want that person to be what you're looking for, and not for them to become somebody else. Otherwise, you don't want to get catfished.
You're not talking about being physically catfished, you're talking more about our expectations of them. Correct?
Exactly! Catfish meaning like you don't want somebody to be something that they're not. Oh, like, oh, this person is looking for a banker or he/she's looking for somebody to be this perfect person and not have all this baggage with them. And then you're telling them what your expectations are. And then they agree and they go with a yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. But at the end of the day, they're none of that. So, always ask them questions more than allowing them to ask you.
Why do you strongly advocate going out on a second date with someone who, from the glaring evidence of a bad first date, seems completely wrong as a potential life partner?
Well, I'm going to use the pedophile word again, if you're feeling that this person, the psychopath, a pedophile, or somebody who you're just like, oh my god, this is a really creepy date then of course run away while you still got your head attached to your freaking body. But! I always say you cannot judge a book by its cover on the first date. Okay? So you always go out on that second date, because maybe she or he, or whatever the consequences are at that moment, maybe they were nervous, maybe they had a bad day. Maybe they weren't on their, you know, up enough on their own. Maybe they weren't the way they needed them to be. Maybe they were just going through something. You always give that person the benefit of the doubt.
I always say, go out on that second date, because you never know! You might have missed out on something the first time so you always go back on that second date. If you feel on that second date that oh, there's something that could be here but I'm not really sure about it, just go with the feeling! Always listen to your gut. But, I always highly recommend going out on that second date. You're giving yourself a chance because normally people are looking for expectations that are really not real. They're living in a fantasy, okay? And they want that fantasy to be the way they want it. This is what I always say, nobody died and made any of us king or queen. So we have to really open ourselves up to the law of attraction in order to bring that whole relationship in. What's super important is even if that person is not perfect for you, maybe you might have a friend. Maybe you might know someone so at the end of the date, it might work out for you and it may not work out for you. It might work out for somebody else you know. So always, always be open and go in there with a clear conscience and no expectations.
Oh, interesting! You could go on a couple of dates and realize that maybe they are entering the friend zone territory, but it might be perfect for your best friend or someone who’s a little bit different from you.
Absolutely! You might learn something or hell you never know, that person might know somebody, who knows somebody, who knows somebody, who’s gonna connect you with that person. And that’s what most people do. They set their expectations so freaking high that sometimes they don’t know where their head is from their a**. And that's why I try to teach people to come out of their head and come out of their heart.
See this is what happens. Our brain is wired only one way. Think about it. We wake up at a certain time, we eat at a certain time, we have an agenda, we have this, we have meetings blah, blah, blah, whatever. When we're on a date, we're like, okay, I'm gonna go meet this person, and if I'm not feeling good, next, next, next... So we swipe left, we swipe right, we go back, we go for it because there are too many freaking choices. So be present and slow down.
In Psychic Deborah Graham’s Guide to Attracting and Keeping Your True Love, you urge all daters to beware of falling prey to an “energy vampire.” What is an energy vampire?
This is a great one! An “energy vampire” is when you go on this date and you’re so energetic, you're feeling great but by the end of the date, you just feel like oh my God, I feel completely drained. This person either made my head spin or I am just feeling exhausted. That person just sucked the freaking life out of you. That’s what we call an energy vampire. That's a date that I say run while you still got your head attached to your body. I don't care how good they look or how good they got the talk it like they walk it, walk it like they talk it. That's when I say run when you got your head still attached to your body because if that person is energetically draining you, that's not a perfect match in any kind of way.
What are the warning signs of this if you meet someone who's starting to drain your energy?
You literally get stomach aches, your head starts to hurt and you're just like, oh my god, oh my god, I need to get the fu** out of here. Listen to your gut. Feel that energy. You'll start to feel like your throat is closing up or you're just feeling like oh my god, this is not right, this energy is really making me feel exhausted. Also, when they talk way too much about themselves and they blame everybody else, that's definitely a sign to run.
How can a person who has invested considerable energy and time into an unfulfilling relationship know when it’s time to say goodbye and move on?
Because they have to be ready and 99.9% of the problem is you. Meaning, you're not getting out of that relationship because you're not allowing yourself to. Okay, so really what's happening is you are an energy hoarder. What that means is this person is not helping, you know, this relationship was on the road to nowhere. You may be getting emotionally, mentally, even in some cases, unfortunately, physically abuse, because you're allowing yourself to take that in. So this is when you need to sh** on the pot. Get the hell off and you could use the wording indefinitely if you want to, but these are my words, you ask the question, you're going to get the straight answer. Then you need to exit out of that but you have to get strong enough in order to know that this person is basically abusing you.
Wow, okay. That’s a lot. You got to be strong. That’s a strength thing.
You have to be strong. But again, strength comes from within. Strength comes from that inner child and you got to look at why am I allowing myself to be in toxic relationships? Well, chances are how was your growing up? How was it when you were a child? Look at your patterns, start taking a 30-day challenge to figure out your patterns. What are you doing wrong? So maybe if you're trying to change the energy, let's just say you're sleeping on the left side of the bed, let's sleep on the right side of the bed. Okay, and change your energy in your life. Change your energy and your thoughts, change your energy in your mind. And then you have the strength to get out of there. Because what's happening is, is your brain is being wired backwards. It's kind of like taking a battery and you basically drained it out and now you're working on another person's battery and you're draining their battery because what you're doing is you're just sucking the energy from everyone else to keep making it every day. That can cause illness, that can cause all kinds of problems. That could just make you really in a place where you just feel like you're in quicksand. To me, there are no problems, there are only solutions. When you look at those solutions, then you become to be more clear, more focused and more grounded in what you really want for yourself.
Mental health is huge. If your mental health is not high enough, you start to just become mentally drained and then it affects everything about your entire life system.
Exactly! It can also be in relationships with your friends. I mean, I can tell you, it could even be in your job and you're like, well, why am I here? Why am I going? Well there are other opportunities but you're not looking at the other opportunity. So that's why I always say take the 30-Day Challenge and look at your patterns. But I always say, the best way to start is to change the side of the bed you're sleeping on.
With hundreds of books out there offering dating and mating advice, why should readers turn to *Psychic Deborah Graham’s Guide to Attracting and Keeping Your True Love?*
Well, why would they go to my book versus other books? I think that each book that we read takes us to the next step of learning. So, we take something from everything. My book is a little bit more unusual because it's just very common sense. These are the things that we all know but we actually don't act on them. It's coming from an energetic level because it teaches you to get away from the energy vampires. It teaches you how to get rid of the old and the worn-out and then it teaches you how to be able to connect with a positive energy so you can and will be in a lasting relationship. It also helps you open up your own intuition. So, it's kind of a mishmash of everything but it's also very common sense.
I mean it's not like anything that’s so way out there that you're like, oh my god, that just sounds weird and creepy. No, you're connecting, you're opening and it's elevating you because it's coming more as an intuitive energy and that's what we need to become is more in tune. That's what I teach all my clients is to first connect with themselves before they connect with anyone else. That's why my book is a little bit more unusual and a little bit more different than most books out there because I give you the where, the why, the when and the how.
Do you have any parting words of wisdom or guidance for those who are searching for their soulmate?
Number one, stay open and don't look at what is going to make you happy. Look at what's going to make that person happy and yourself because to me a relationship is about 50/50. It's a give and a take, okay? Because a lot of people say, I need this in a relationship. I want this in a relationship. And I say what is that? It's all about you, you, you, you, you. I want, I need, I want, I need. So number one is, it's not all about you. It's about what are you willing to give up in order for that relationship to work because this is what I need to say since most people don't realize. Relationships are 24/7 days a week, 365 days a year. It's not one of those things that you're just going to get, get, get, and continue to have everything you want right there and then. it's about give and take. Relationships are 50/50. So, think about what are you looking for within an energy level versus a physical level. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
Energy level versus physical level. I feel like that's something that everyone's always struggling with. Okay, I want physical looks, but I also need the personality attached and that's kind of like throwing those together.
You know, everybody wants physical in the book. But listen, there are people that are here for now and then there are those people that are lasting relationships that can and will last forever, okay? Because what looks so great on the outside sometimes ain't always what it is on the inside. So I always say, look from within, go from the inside out versus the outside in. Trust me, that person may not look so good in 20 or 30 years, she or he might be 20 or 30 pounds bigger and he may not have any more hair on their head.
HAHA, you saw them in their prime and then you married them. That’s a real statement! I mean, everyone ages that's just a part of life and no one looks like they did when they were 21.
Absolutely! So when you look at that person, see yourself through their eyes. Can I really be with this person 30 years down the road?
Where can our viewers buy your book?
Where can our viewers book a reading with you?
If anybody wants to book a reading they could always go to https://www.psychicdeborahgraham.com/ for more information.
Do you recommend a specific book, movie or TV show to our viewers?
I love Romeo and Juliet because it's kind of a love that lasts forever and it's not about dying together. It's about living together and being happy but absolutely Romeo and Juliet, the book. If you are looking for a movie, I would say the Love Story.
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