As anyone who’s ever introduced their children to the joys of pet parenthood can tell you, one can rarely predict the important lessons the whole family is going to end up learning after introducing four-legged friends into the household. As one Florida couple named the Camerons learned the hard way however, some such lessons are far more unfortunate- not to mention hysterical- than others.
As Mr. Cameron later relayed in an online forum, the trouble all began one night right after dinner, when his son ran into the room to announce that something appeared to be horribly wrong with one of his two pet lizards, respectively known as Bert and Ernie.
Upon examination by both Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, it appeared that Ernie was indeed under the weather, as they found him lying on his back, wearing a look of about as much stress as it’s possible for a lizard to convey.
It was Mrs. Cameron however, who ultimately made the diagnosis. “Oh, my gosh! She's having babies,” the surprised mom exclaimed. As one might imagine, the couple was immediately met with the horrified gaze of their young son, who did not appear to be taking the possibility of Ernie being an Earline very well.
Mr. Cameron too was perplexed, reminding his wife of their decision to stick strictly to male lizards only, specifically to avoid the situation in which poor Earline now found herself. After Mrs. Cameron explained that lizard parts aren’t quite as blatant as the gender defining characteristics of most mammals, the whole family continued to gaze back into the cage in horror.
The situation quickly escalated when Mrs. Cameron’s suspicions appeared to be confirmed, as what looked like a tiny foot suddenly protruded from Earline’s body. Rather than continue to emit a full baby lizard however, the foot seemed to retract, only to appear again moments later. Unfortunately, this process repeated itself multiple times, leading Mrs. Cameron to proclaim what she had begun to fear could only be true. Clearly, Earline was facing a breech birth.
It was then that Mr. Cameron decided to take things into his own hands, as he gently reached down and tugged at the foot the next time it appeared, only to have it retract again quicker than ever. After deciding that calling 911 could possibly be construed as an overreaction by some, the family decided that the only thing to be done was to rush Earline to the vet for a C-section.
After being coached through breathing exercises by the Cameron’s well-meaning son on the ride over, finally Earline arrived at the lizard doctor and went beneath his magnifying glass. The whole family waited breathlessly as the doctor made his almost immediate diagnosis and then murmured awkwardly, “'Oh, very interesting. Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?”
As their son stepped outside, the couple began to prepare themselves for the worst. Would Earline survive this horrible ordeal? What would become of the tiny lizard family they’d no doubt already started wracking their minds for potential adopters for?
It was then that the doctor delivered the news. As it turns out, the baby lizard litter would never be- but not for the reasons the family had feared. You see, as it turns out, Earline was in fact Ernie and as it turned out very male indeed. In fact, he had reached maturity- that epic point in which a boy lizard turns into a man…a fact he had merely felt the need to, shall we say, celebrate.
As the doctor blushingly explained to the couple, sometimes lizards enjoy, well, latchin’ the lizard as much as the next guy and often lay on their backs while they enthusiastically masturbate.
Silence enveloped the room as the horrible truth of what Mr. Cameron had done in his attempts to help the “birth” along sunk in. Slowly but surely the silence was interrupted by Mrs. Cameron whose attempts to maintain her composure steadily evaporated into hysterical laughter.
Attempting to compose herself, she explained to her husband, “It's just .that . .I'm picturing you pulling on its… its…teeny little…”
With that Mr. Cameron and Ernie quickly thanked the vet and retreated back home, vowing to one another with a sacred bro bond never to speak of the unfortunate misunderstanding again.
Though Ernie could not be reached for comment, who can resist hoping that Mrs. Cameron succumbed to the urge to knit him a tiny sock to hang on his cage the next time the need for privacy should arise?