25 Andy Bernard Quotes That Prove He’s The Funniest Office Character

andy bernard the office
The Office via NBC

Step aside, the Nard-Dog is here.

Top Andy Bernard Quotes

If there was a contest for the most obnoxious character on NBC's The Office, Andy Bernard (Ed Helms) would probably win. These funny quotes aren't really even that funny at all, but they still make us laugh every time.

Whether Andy's bragging about his love for Cornell or doing just about anything else to avoid actually working, there's never been a dull moment since he arrived at Dunder Mifflin. Sometimes, we totally can't resist rooting against him.

Through all the bad jokes and rude comments, Andy Bernard still keeps us entertained. Allow these quotes to remind you why The Office is the best TV show yet.

Hilarious Andy Bernard Quotes

  • "When I got the nickname Bonerchamp, that's when I became me."

  • "Beer me that disc."

  • "Oh, it is on, like a prawn who yawns at dawn."

  • "I'll be the number-two guy here in Scranton in six weeks. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off a handshake. I'm always thinking one step ahead. Like a... carpenter... that makes stairs."

  • "Break me off a piece of that.. fancy feast."

Best Andy Bernard Quotes

  • "I've always been the guy who can rally other people to rebel. In high school, I organized a walk out over standardized testing. Got over 500 students to just skip the SATs. At the last second I chickened out, took it anyway got a twelve twenty. Always regretted it... I feel lachrymose."

  • "Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship."

  • "I'm a little worried that I may have asked out Naughty Nelly instead of Erin. Which would be whole lot less appealing, because Naughty Nelly says yes to everyone. And she might be a murderer."

  • "If I had to put Dwight's chances into a percentage, I would say he has none percent chance."

  • "I went to Cornell. Ever heard of it? I graduated in four years, I never studied once, I was drunk the whole time, and I sang in the acapella group, 'Here Comes Treble'."

Questionable Andy Bernard Quotes

  • "You give me a gift? Bam! Thank You note. You invite me somewhere? Pow! RSVP. You do me a favor? Wham! Favor returned. Do not test my politeness."

  • "I'm petrified of nipple chafing. One it starts, it's a vicious circle. You have sensitive nipples, they chafe, so they become more sensitive, so they chafe more. It's a tough one. Gotta take precautions."

  • "Every little boy fantasizes about his fairytale wedding."

  • "Women cannot resist a man singing show tunes. It's so powerful, even a lot of men can't resist a man singing show tunes."

  • "William Doolittle at your service. A.K.A. Will Do."

Memorable Andy Bernard Quotes

  • "I begged Dwight and Jim to give me Erin for Secret Santa. And I decided to give Erin the twelve days of Christmas. Is it my fault the first eight days are basically thirty birds?"

  • "Andy Bernard does not lose contests. He wins them. Or he quits them. Because they're unfair."

  • "Put your heart out there like that, it's liable to just turn into this blackened carbon brick where it has barbecue sauce of shame and rage and two hot people with a perfect relationship would not understand that!"

  • "I know a few things about love. Horrible, terrible, awful, awful things."

  • "You can't let a girl feel good about herself. It will backfire on you. Every compliment has to be backhanded. 'Oh I like your dress, but I'd like it more if you had prettier hair.'"

Funny Andy Bernard Quotes

  • "The weird thing is now I'm exactly where I want to be. I've got my dream job at Cornell, and I'm still just thinking about my old pals. Only now they're the ones I made here. I wish there was a way to know you're in 'the good old days', before you've actually left them. Someone should write a song about that."

  • "She'll make a wonderful mother to any child who can overlook weird accents."

  • "What I wouldn't give for one of Phyllis's classic room clearing farts right now."

  • "I am a great interviewee. Why? Because I have something no one else has: my brain. Which I use to my advantage... when advantageous."

  • "Hey, Tuna."

Let's Keep the Conversation Going...

What was your favorite Andy Bernard quote? We want to know!

Tweet us @womendotcom or follow us on Facebook and Instagram!