Listen To 27 Amy Schumer Quotes If You Need a Good Laugh

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These are seriously funny, don't say you weren't warned!

Amy Schumer Quotes That You Won't Be Able To Resist

Amy Schumer is one of our most beloved stand-up comedians and actresses. She has made many quotes about sex, friendship, and politics. Not to mention, she's a huge and influential [feminist]. Schumer somehow manages to come across as smart and funny at the same time.

Starring in films like, Trainwreck, Snatched, and I Feel Pretty, her roles have been some fan favorites in the past few years. While she's not making an appearance on the big screen, Schumer is sharing her dark humor with audiences everywhere. She's able to get a laugh out of any situation, this is why we love her so much.

These hilarious quotes by Amy Schumer are sure to turn your day around instantly. You might have not known that all you've been needing is a good laugh! You've come to the right place. Keep your eye out for some quotes to share with friends, too!

Amy Schumer Quotes To Brighten Your Day

  • "I don't know how introverts survived without the Internet. Or with the Internet. Actually, I don't know how we survive at all. It feels impossible."

  • "We had to break up, though. We wanted different things - like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear."

  • "The first person I saw was literally Kate Upton. And I was like, ‘Oh, I get it. I'm not a real woman. I'm just harvesting organs for one."

  • "There's nothing more awkward than going to the first birthday party of a little girl when you told her mom to get rid of her - because the kid can tell."

  • "The way that these girls keep themselves skinny is awful, isn't it? By vomiting or using hard drugs - which I can't afford."

  • "I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea - he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, 'He's probably in a band."

  • "Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I've never woken up and been like, 'What is this Pilates mat doing out?"

Hilarious Amy Schumer Quotes

  • "It's a weird age. They're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still don't know whether to be like, 'Congratulations,' or 'Do you need a ride?"

  • "A UTI, in case you don't know, is not a college online. It is a urinary-tract infection. I just got my first UTI at 33 and nobody tells you how embarrassing it's going to be. Like, ‘How'd you get it?' You know how I got it! I had sex and then I was too lazy to pee right after. I chose to lay there like a come dumpster just… a receptacle. Was I savoring the moment? What was I doing?"

  • "You know what the worst part about my drinking is? When I'm drunk I slur. You know, like I say racial slurs. Wow, nobody likes that at a barbecue."

  • "It's work having a vagina. Guys don't think that its work but it is. You think it shows up like that to the event? It doesn't. Every night it's like getting it ready for its first Quinceanera, believe me."

  • "I went home with this French guy 'cause he said something adorable, like, 'I have an apartment."

  • "You have to pretend like you want to use a condom. I like to say something fun when I bring it up, but honest. I'll be like, 'You're going to want to wear this. I've had a busy month."

  • "The best advice my mother gave me was to ‘be a lady.' But I never really knew what that meant, and obviously didn't take to it."

Funny Amy Schumer Quotes You Didn't Know You Needed

  • "The other day I was having some wine and some weed and an Ambien. Or, as I like to call it, ‘Tucking myself in."

  • "We have to be a role model for these little girls, because who do they have? All they have really is the Kardashians … And like, we used to have Khloé. Khloé was ours, right? Whenever there's a group of women, you identify with one of them … Khloé, she lost half her body weight. She lost a Kendall! We have nothing. I want good role models."

  • "This is where my poo comes out. Talkin' ‘bout my fudge machine."

  • "I'd like to be the guardian of Chris Pratt's ass."

  • "You know when you're doing interviews, and the person sees someone more important behind you? It's like being at a party and there's a hotter girl behind you, and they just want you to drop dead. So I saw the reporter do that, and all the reporters were going crazy, and it was Kim and Kanye, just standing there, owning it, just being short and important. And I think falling is the funniest thing, so I just took a dive in front of them and pretended like I fell."

  • "In L.A., my arms register as legs."

  • "My mom told me I didn't need to shave my legs above the knee. I'm basically like Christopher Robin down there."

Quotes That'll Remind You Why You Love Amy Schumer

  • "I had my annual Pap smear. I got to go back to annual Paps because there's no HPV detectable in my system. We had a lot of laughs. [My gynecologist] kind of got something stuck in her throat while she was examining me, but from where I was sitting, it seemed like she was kind of gagging looking at my vagina. But it's always nice to see her."

  • "I'm sorry, were you flirting with that beer?"

  • "Thanks, everybody who has helped me. Thanks to the girl who gave me this sort of a smoky eye. I really love it."

  • "I'm probably like 160 pounds right now and can catch a dick whenever I want."

  • "That's the Hollywood secret: Don't put food in your dumb mouth!"

  • "This has been an insane year for me. I made two New Year's resolutions. No. 1, I wanted to catfish someone. Did it, loved it, recommend it. And No. 2 was to this year just once take off a pair of underwear and have it not look like I blew my nose in it. Same? Same?"

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