Never marry the guy you have the best sex with. Do you remember the movie Trainwreck? Amy Schumer reminded us: "You don't want the 'best sex you've ever had' guy. He's...in jail."
Marriage isn't all romance and butterflies. If you're married, or thinking about being married, you know it takes work. A hell of a lot of work.
Good God, there are a lot of moving parts. Your family. His family. Kids, if you have them. Pets. His job. Your job. Your expenses. His expenses. Your joint expenses. Household chores. Errands to run. Navigating all the elements of a marriage is like running your own small country. And can you run a country on...lust? I don't think so.
Let me make one thing very clear: sex is not love. If you're married to the best sex of your life, then girl, you might be in trouble.
How do you make sure that your relationship is built on the right stuff?
The Problem with Hot Sex
Here is the thing about hot sex-- we tend to glorify it. So don't worry if the "best you've ever had" guy is a person of the past. Hopefully he is. Your husband should be "most consistent sex you've ever had" guy. Is that a thing? Let's make it one. With marriage- reliability matters, all across the board.
Plus, the way we remember our best sex isn't usually entirely accurate-- we are constantly trying to romanticize our sex lives. In an article for The New York Post, Amanda Chatel says "that might explain why such a variety of women recall having passionate sex in the hallway of someone’s apartment, but forget that they had to have sex in the hallway because he had four roommates and slept on a futon."
In marriage and long term relationships, reliability should be prioritized over raunchiness. The article continues that, "as we grow up, hot and sweaty takes a back seat to kind and sweet."
What Happens When You Take Sex Out of Your Relationship?
Are you in a healthy relationship, or just a horny one? If you're having doubts about the stability of your marriage or relationship, I have an idea: take the hot sex out of it, and see what you're left with. When you remove lust from the equation, you're left with things that are necessary for a longstanding, successful partnership; things like trust, compatibility, honesty, reliability, and faithfulness.
Without sex, do you and your partner have nothing in common? Is it awkward? Is there nothing left to do or say? Your husband shouldn't be the best guy you've ever kissed who you have absolutely nothing in common with.
A Relationship Based on the Best You've Ever Had Isn't Real
Lust isn't sustainable. Lust won't take you to the hospital when you're sick. Lust isn't great at changing diapers. Lust isn't always good at paying the bills on time. Lust isn't always friendly towards your mother. Lust forgets to do the dishes.
Lust is a reliable lay-- but is he good marriage material?
Lust can also cloud your judgement. So before you jump into commitment, make sure that you're seeing your relationship clearly. Is this guy a good partner or is he just good for... penetration?
Hot Sex Isn't A Band-Aid for Marital Problems
Have you ever tried to dissolve a fight with sex? It works...momentarily. Then all the pain, anxiety, frustration, and resentment comes crawling back moments, days, or weeks later. Sex isn't a band-aid for relationship issues, and it definitely won't work with the person you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with. Makeup sex can't work for an entire lifetime--sorry.
What's important in a relationship? Trust. The ability to communicate quickly and effectively. Honesty. Are those the foundations of your relationship?
Happiness Lasts Longer than an Orgasm
Hot sex might momentarily make you feel good, but happiness with a partner who loves, respects, and supports you will last far longer.
What Exactly is "The Best You've Ever Had?"
What's the best you've ever had, anyway? When you're young, it's probably that guy who treated you like shit and then had sex with you too loudly at your parents house when they were home. It's the guy who pulled you into the bathroom at Buffalo Wild Wings and told you he didn't want a girlfriend but if he ever did it would maybe be you if you were lucky. And then you guys made out until you were kicked out of the restaurant without paying your bill.
In an adult relationship, the best you've ever had is the guy who holds you when you cry. It's the guy who doesn't make you cry.
Run Your Relationship Like A Business
WORK TOWARDS COMMON SUCCESS, NOT PERSONAL SUCCESS
In a relationship you can't primarily focus on your own happiness. You can't also lose yourself in making your partner happy. Both you and your significant other need to do what's best for your relationship. Sacrifice personal gains to work towards the common goal of your relationship.
GO FOR THE SERVICE PROVIDER, NOT THE SALES PERSON
Huff Post explains that, "Sales people are focused on winning customers. Customer service providers, on the other hand, are focused on satisfying your needs and helping you have the best experience. Who would you like to spend your life with?"
TREAT DATES LIKE BUSINESS MEETINGS
Dress up. Be attentive. Come with talking points. Be charming. Win over the client (in this case, your significant other.)
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