Jealousy is just fear in an angry, sexy, usually crazy little outfit. Instead of saying "I feel insecure and unloved right now, can you give me some more attention?" jealousy says: "later, when you are asleep, I am going to hack into your phone and read every single one of your text messages and then be mad at you all day tomorrow and you will have no reason why whatsoever."
Jealous destroys relationships and is a fruitless, unproductive emotion.
Here's how to curb it.
JEALOUSY INVOLVES THREE PEOPLE
Know the difference between envy and jealousy. Envy is a two person game. It's a comparison: you envy someone's job or house or how happy their relationship seems. Jealousy involves three people. It's complex. It's a web. It incorporates your feelings for your partner and the reaction you have to his assumed feelings for something else. It's a fear of losing what you have or not getting what you want. Maybe you fear your boyfriend's relationship with his work wife has a better, easier dynamic than the one the two of you have. Really- that has nothing to do with her. Is your root fear that you and your boyfriend don't have the same sense of humor or enough things in common? Are you afraid he thinks that? Usually, jealousy is actually not about the other person.
STAY OFF HIS INSTAGRAM AND FACEBOOK, YOU PSYCHO!!
If you're anything like me, you know some sneaky and covert tactics to seeing what your man is up to on social media. You might check their recently added friends on Facebook. Perhaps you see who they like and favorite on Twitter. Maybe you peak at the "following" tab on Instagram to see what pictures they're liking. Is your crush writing "great pic!" on the photo of a bikini model's butt? This is important information to keep track of, right?
WRONG. VERY WRONG.
Everyone is guilty of flirting a little bit on social media. Every so often, I will like a photo of a cute guy on IG. I will follow a guy on Twitter who I think is cute and/or funny. Do I have emotional feelings for these people? No! Not at all. Am I having affairs with every or any person I am liking, favoriting, following? Absolutely not. It's all senseless fun. The internet is a finger workout.
Don't go out of your way to monitor your significant other's Internet activity. However, I am a big believer in trusting your gut. If the same girl is liking and commenting on EVERY single one of your boyfriend's pictures then....
It's time to call your friends and do some digging.
BE CONFIDENT IN YOUR DOPENESS
Jealousy usually is a result of some form of insecurity. Maybe you don't feel like you're deserving of love or the fantasy? Drop the insecure act now. You're a prize. It's completely possible someone is very much into you. You're great. This is all real. Stop doubting it before you ruin it! Jealousy can be a definite form of self sabotage.
DON'T TAKE OLD BAGGAGE INTO NEW RELATIONSHIPS
Every time you leave a bad relationship don't forget to unpack those bags first before hopping on the train to a new one. Don't blame poor Joe for all the things that Tim did to you. Joe might be a perfectly good guy and you need to stop punishing him for what Tim did! Not all guys are Tim's! Assume your guy is a good one until he shows you otherwise.
INSTEAD OF ACTING OUT, ACKNOWLEDGE AND QUESTION YOUR JEALOUSY
Every time you feel jealous, take some time to think about it before getting in a fight. Say to yourself: "Hi self! This situation, action, person, etc, is making me feel jealous. Why?" Usually, you'll be able to direct the root of the feeling back onto some past triggers or insecurities. But if your partner is doing something you need corrected, you'll be able to come to him with specifics if you've thought it all through first.
Remember, when it comes to jealousy: think, and THEN act.
STOP TREATING YOUR SIG OTHER LIKE A POSSESSION
If you are constantly feeling jealousy, most likely you are objectifying your partner, meaning you view your partner as an object in your life rather than an actual human being. Your significant other has their own life, friends, family, history, and set of emotions. It is PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY IMPOSSIBLE for you to control every aspect of your significant other's psyche. Sorry, but it's just never gonna happen! That doesn't make your love any less valuable. In fact, space, freedom, and respect make love a very powerful and intimate thing.
So, your partner is not a purse that someone else is going to steal from you if you leave it on a chair unattended. He is a human being with feelings who is choosing to be with you because he likes you. Does that make you feel better?
At the end of the day, if a healthy relationship is what you want, jealousy is not the way to get it. Trust your instincts, if you think something is actually going on in your relationship, investigate it. But most of our problems are in our own heads, and typically when we're frustrated or angry in relationships it's because we feel unloved, unheard, or insecure.
Wouldn't it be better to just say that instead?
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