A Beginners Guide to BDSM

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What's your safe word?

Here are some sex facts. We lose our virginities on average at about 17 years old. 75% of men always reach orgasm during sex. Only 29% of women do. 15% of people use dating apps (I feel like it's way more.) The book 50 Shades of Grey sold over 100 million books world wide and led to a 92% increase of sales in bondage and S&M toys at the New York sex shop Babeland.

40 million Americans have a sexless marriage. The LA Times reports that millennials are having less sex than any generation in 60 years.

Can practicing BDSM help spice up your love life?

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What is BDSM anyway? First of all, this is what it stands for: Bondage, Domination, Sadism, and Masochism. I've also heard Bondage & Discipline, Domination & Submission, Sadism & Masochism. Either way, you get the gist.

BDSM is a sexual umbrella that encompasses a lot of different kinks. Handcuffs. Dirty talk. Whipping. Ropes. Role play. Latex. Don't get me wrong, there are some..unusual activities too: puppy play, golden showers, financial domination, verbal humiliation, giantess. But some elements can easily be incorporated into your own life with a comfortable intensity to help spice it up or change your routine. I highly recommend it.

If you're in a sexual slump, maybe it's time to get kinky?

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First, let's talk BDSM vocabulary.

The dominant person is the one who is typically most physically active and/or controlling during sexual role play.

The subordinate person is the one who is typically controlled by the dominant.

A switch is someone who changes between the dominant and submissive role.

76% of women are subordinate in BDSM relationships. Surprisingly only 8% of women are dominant--so shout out to all those Dominatrix' out there.

Most men, not surprisingly, report that they are dominant.

To compare this to 50 Shades of Grey, Christian was a dom and Anastasia was his sub.

Are we all on the same page? Let's keep going.

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If you think you want to engage in a kink positive relationship with your partner, here are some ways that you can begin to engage in BDSM safely.

HAVE A CONVERSATION FIRST

Make sure that you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to your desires, fantasies, and hard no's. Talk about what you're into, what fantasies you have, whether you might be dominant or subordinate, or both. Establish rules and boundaries prior to going into the bedroom (or wherever your fantasy should take place.) Have this conversation sober. Have it more than once. Sexual exploration should enhance your relationship, not detract or add discomfort to it. The purpose is to increase intimacy and trust with your partner. So if you're at all skeptical after step one: don't proceed.

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EDUCATE YOURSELF ON THE DIFFERENT FORMS OF BDSM

BDSM isn't all ropes and chains. It includes a myriad of different fetishes. When someone visits a dominatrix, she will act out a "scene" with the client she is servicing. A scene is essentially any role play like situation. This might include verbal humiliation, dirty talk, costumes, sex toys, latex, whipping, rope or leather bondage, etc. The list goes on and on. There are countless numbers of fetishes.

So if you tell your partner that you want to practice BDSM with them, be specific. Because they might come home dressed as a furry when all you meant was you wanted to incorporate some light spanking and dirty talk into the bedroom. Do your research so you come to the table prepared.

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HAVE A SAFE WORD, AND STICK TO IT

Trust is the biggest foundation of BDSM because you are pushing your sexual boundaries with a partner. Set boundaries. Create a safe word or motion. Consent is of vital importance. If you continue after your partner has used your safe word or expressed that they no longer want to engage in sexual activity, then the sex you are having is no longer consensual. Make sure you acknowledge and respect your partner's hard no's and boundaries prior to engaging in any sexual activity.

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START SLOW

If this is your first time, do BDSM light. Don't come straight into the bedroom in a full latex body suit ready for action. Maybe start with some light bondage and role play. Handcuffs can be bought at any local sex shop. Racier lingerie and role play costumes can too. Experiment with some dirty talk that's a bit racier than usual.

If you like it and it feels safe, keep the kinks coming.

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EASE OUT OF IT

After a session it's important to check in with your partner. Make sure that they are feeling safe and loved. Sometimes role playing can be a complete 180 from the dynamic of your actual relationship. It's sexual acting. So after a BDSM session, return to normalcy for a while. Cuddle. Watch a movie. Joke around. Say loving things to one another. Allow for BDSM to enhance the sexuality and intimacy in your relationship instead of create a distance or awkwardness between you and your partner. Easing out of your sessions with love and normalcy allows for this.

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Have fun, and safe BDSM'ing!

SHARE this with any friends who might be into a little kink.