Who is in Charge in the Bedroom?


We be horny

You know it. That familiar poking on your back right before you're about to go to sleep. It lets you know one thing: your dude wants to get down. You were ready to go to bed because you swore after that serious Instagramming session your BF logged while completely ignoring your existence that he must be wiped out-- and CERTAINLY not in the mood to be intimate.

In fact, when you told him you wanted to spend some quality time with him, he grunted and brushed you off.

But now, he's clearly very interested. Every inch of him.

Why is it that guys are the ones that always seem to initiate sex?


Here's the weird thing about sex: it can't realllyyy happen unless the guy is aroused. Without a boner, there really is no bone-ing. Typically sex begins once a man gets an erection, and it ends once the man cums. It certainly doesn't end when the woman cums. I've never been having sex with a guy who's stopped once I've finished and exclaimed: "well, I got what I wanted out of this!"

So does that mean that men are in charge when it comes to the bedroom? No, it doesn't. Not at all. All you sex positive ladies out there know what I'm talking about.

Here are some ways you can, and should, take charge in the bedroom and of your sex life.

Consent, obviously.


No is a COMPLETE sentence, and what you say goes. Remember, if you don't want to have sex, it's not going down. This is the case for strangers, one night stands, casual hookups, friends with benefits, flings, your boyfriend, your husband, and your third cousin if that's what you're into. A 'no' can happen any time you want. If you're hot and heavy mid hook up and decide to change your mind- that is allowed. Your body, your choice. 24/7, 365 bb.

What you say goes- ZERO guilt attached. And if you're still in that growth phase where pleasing men is a priority (hey, it's okay, we have all been there), remember that lust lasts a moment, but respect lasts a lifetime. The woman who stands up for herself is the one who wins in the long run. But at the end of the day- you should be doing this all for yourself.


Dealing with Impotence

If your boy has boner problems in the bedroom, that doesn't mean you have to stop all the fun. Remember: this is your sex life too. A sex therapist at XO Jane suggests the following tools for when your guy can't perform up to par.

  • Don't take it personally

  • Realize you're on the same team: you both want sex, and usually this reaction is out of his control. If your lady parts dried up like the Sahara desert, would you want your dude

  • Be kind

  • Don't let his orgasm dictate your sexual interaction. What else can you do instead?

  • Like a pair of horny high schoolers, do everything but sex

  • Encourage him to touch you instead

  • Take a time out and touch yourself


Initiate It

Horny girls unite! If you suggest sex to your significant other, 99.9999999% of the time he will give an enthusiastic YES. So if you're in the mood and your partner doesn't seem to be offering it up, try initiating it for a change. If you're feeling particularly sexual (which I know I do every time I'm ovulating- TMI probably, sorry), answer the door in some lingerie. Try poking HIS back in the middle of the night. While men are typically thinking about sex all the time they don't realize that us ladies usually are too.

So if you want yours, go get it.


Be Sex Positive

Let's reverse the stigma. Women love sex. We love saying yes when we want it, we love initiating it when we crave it, and we say no when we're not in the mood. And actually, "in an article on WebMD, Louanne Cole Weston, Ph.D. stated, "When people wrote in about the discrepancy of frequency and desire [for sex], about 40% of the time it was men wanting less."' Having and wanting sex is healthy. It's a component of basic intimacy and incredibly important to any successful relationship.

So don't let your man dictate what goes on in the bedroom. You make the rules.