Here Are All 50 States As If They Were A Thirsty Guy At The Bar
"Did it hurt when you fell?"
In true southern fashion, he’d be chanting “Roll Tide” right before he shot guns a Budweiser. He’d tell you you’re “perty cute” and ask you what your stance is on the second amendment. He smells like BBQ, Old Spice and gives good hugs.
Alaska is without a doubt the tallest man you’ve ever seen. You feel strangely protected because you're pretty sure he could kill a grizzly with his bare hands, and his beard is thick enough to knit a small blanket. He asks you what you’re drinking and then orders two, while telling you about his sport pilot license and offering to take you for a spin.
He’d be tanner than you from the top up, wearing a black v-neck. While it might be obvious he skips leg day, you admire his dedication to grooming when you notice his hairless limbs. He offers to buy you a drink, and orders two Ultra Lites in a glass while asking you if you have a personal trainer yet.
Arkansas would be wearing bedazzled jeans and an old Ed Hardy tee that shows off his hard-working arms. He’d be calling the hogs, hooting and hollering at everyone in the bar. After he offers you some moonshine in a mason jar that’s been blessed by his auntie, he'd pick some Kodiak out of his teeth with a toothpick and ask if you wanted to dance.
Up north, you’ll meet the guy who won’t look you in the eye until you mention that you’re fully vested at your FANG company. He’d start a conversation about BioHacking and give you his username from Hacker News. In SoCal, you’ll meet an up-and-coming actor who’s a part time bar-back at The Bungalow. He’s 6’2’’ with better pores than you’ll ever dream of and his hair product is more than your student loan payment.
You'd notice Colorado standing at the shuffleboard table with New Belgium’s new gluten-free beer talking about his latest eno-ing trip. He’d have "Alpine," his Husky-Rescue mix, with him at the bar and he'd be wearing an REI flannel with the sleeves pulled up to his elbows.
Under his Brooks Brothers sports coat, his dad bod would make him the ultimate teddy bear. Unbeknownst to you, he'd be silently comparing you to his Stepford Wife of a mother, more concerned about his tee time tomorrow than whether or not he knows your cousin Jen that went to Yale.
Delaware would say he was from Philly but he’d actually be from the Slower Lower. He'd ask if you wanted to help him win his game of pool and then he would dive into an oddly-interesting conversation about the different speeds of his new family tractor.
Florida is wearing a Seminoles tank top, deep in conversation with the bartender about who really serves the best Cubanos. He'd play along with your naivety and tell you about his pet alligator, Stan, while tossing back his fourth Long Island iced tea.
He’d be an accounting major at UGA, obsessively checking his ESPN app for the latest score of the game. While he's clearly still riding the glory of his high school football career, you can tell that he was raised by a good southern woman when he calls you ma'am and offers to pay your tab at Waffle House.
Hawaii is a Mainlander who majored in Hawaiian Studies and prioritizes surfing and poke over just about anything else. After only being an islander for 8 months, he’d already be speaking fluent Pidgin and calling himself a local.
He’d be a member of the NRA wearing his favorite Mossy Oak snapback, talking to you about the importance of knowing how to protect yourself. He'd offer you his Keystone Light and challenge you to a game of darts.
Extremely well-dressed, he’d be an outspoken Cubs fan who wants to make sure you’ve had the right deep dish pizza. He comes from a fine line of investment bankers in Naperville and has bottle service because he “knows people.”
He’s loud, proud and that guy who gets kicked out of the bar for bringing in his own forty. You’re not really sure what he does for a living, but you know he’s a sports fan because his hat, jersey, keychain and phone case are all conflicting Indiana sports teams.
Iowa would be wearing worn-out Levi’s with a red flannel and a John Deere trucker hat. He'd order a double of Hawkeye vodka for you so he can see how well you can hold your liquor. He’s got surprisingly nice teeth but has some crumbs in his untrimmed beard.
After reminiscing about that time Kansas won the Border War, he would tell you that he’s in real estate and drives an F150. He'd slip it into the conversation that his brother is a big deal in Chicago and ask you if you know this girl he once dated. He’d be 4 shots deep in 2-for-1 well drinks.
Sipping from his flask of Bourbon, he’d ask you who you had in your March Madness bracket this year and base the conversation on your choices. You'd learn he's from a small city outside of Louisville and went to trade school so he could work for his dad’s electric company.
He'd buy everyone a round of tequila shots and try tirelessly to get chants going throughout the bar. When karaoke comes along, he’d be the first to sing “Hey Ladi” and try to get “his girl” (you) on stage with him. After you refuse, he'd quickly recover by swooning the girl at the bar who is celebrating her 21st birthday.
Maine wears a fleece flannel and really nice hiking boots. In the summer, he works as a fisherman on the family fleet and won’t shut up about the bugs near the water. While at first you think he’s drinking Coffee Brandy, you later realize it’s just Moxie because he has to be up early tomorrow morning. Throughout the night, he'd show you pictures of past blizzards and asks before he kisses you goodnight.
Maryland would be sipping the bar’s version of a Tequila Sunrise and insist that drinking girly drinks does NOT challenge his manhood. He'd tell you he’s a regular at trivia night and mention his hate for the Colts 3-4 times. After he finished his first drink, he’d double fist some Natty Bohs, wearing a sweatshirt with the Maryland state flag on it.
Grumping on about the latest Red Sox loss, Boston would be exactly what you picture when you imagine a native Bawstin boy drinking whatever's on tap at a hole-in-the-wall spot downtown. With a perfectly adorable crew cut, he'd be wearing his college letterman jacket and smell like Polo.
After pointing to the back of his hand to show you where he's from, Michigan would tell you about his supply chain job at the GM factory and insist that Detroit is actually blossoming. He'd be eating a bag of original Lay's potato chips, drinking a Steam Tunnel Stout and would finally admit that 8 Mile was pretty damn good.
After you correctly pledge your allegiance to the Vikings and your undying hatred for the Packers, he'd offer to buy you any drink you want under $5. You would learn that he's living at home to “save money” while he works at a small local business after he brags about his mom still doing his laundry for him. At the end of the night, he'd ask you to come over Wednesday for her famous lasagna.
Mississippi would be seemingly polite, using his southern charm to buy you one more round. About an hour into your conversation, someone from Ole Miss would bump into him and diss the Bulldogs and then he'd get in some ridiculous bar fight to show his dominance in that part of town. After he wins the showdown, you'd be pushed out of the way by a girl who's looking for a strong man in her life.
A true gentleman, Missouri greets you with a pleasant “well aren’t you looking beautiful tonight?” before buying the two of you a pitcher of Bud Light. He'd spend most of his time listening to you talk about yourself, and even though he talks slowly and smells like BBQ, he is without a doubt the gentlest mamma’s boy you’ve ever met.
Montana would barrel into the parking lot driving a 4X4 with some overpriced gun rack decorating the top. He'd tell you how his family makes the best jerky in town and show you a scar from that time he got frost bite on a fishing trip. Immediately you'd know he doesn't do high maintenance so you'd be certain that a weekend in the wilderness with him would be nothing short of DiCaprio in The Revenant.
The first thing he'd ask you is if you’re a Husker as he orders you both a round of Fireball. 15 minutes into the conversation, he’d still be talking to you about the greatest players Nebraska has ever seen but eventually would turn the tables and ask you what you do for a living. When you tell him you’re a kindergarten teacher, he'd practically get down on one knee.
Nevada would tell you he works part-time as a performer at The Rio and insist he can secretly count cards in Blackjack. He’d be wearing a t-shirt with an extremely detailed tiger painted on it and have both of his ears pierced. After buying you a Cosmo, he'd be drinking a Manhattan out of one of those little black straws.
Before he even catches your name, he'd ask you what you think about this year's election, assuring you he's not judging you he's simply interested in your answers. His phone background would say "Live Free or Die" and he'd ask you if you've ever seen his uncle's award-winning pumpkins at The Deerfield Fair. He's tall but not too tall, dressed in some nice chinos and a sweater when he asks you if you'd like to take your beers to the beach.
After ordering you both an Applejack, he'd spend the first 10 minutes of your conversation explaining his arm tattoos to you while you contemplate which Axe scent his hair gel is. He’d be a total meathead and is wearing a tank top that shows his nipples and two gold chains, one has a charm at the end of it. His name would be something like Michael or Timothy but he goes by Mikey or Tim-bo and he'd tell you he has a side gig as a DJ.
New Mexico would be wearing one of those Baja Hoodie drug rugs and have a man bun. He'd be drinking a La Paloma while talking to you about how incredible it was when his family had a UFO visit one of their corn fields last September. His hands would be rough which means he works outside and he has a Zia Red Sun tattooed on his left forearm.
Freshly moved from Connecticut, he'd would be a fresh graduate from a Top Tier advertising school, ready to make his mark in the Big Apple. He'd be wearing a Jack Spade perfectly ironed plaid button-down in a shade of green that’s surprisingly tasteful. He would order a Moscow Mule because the person in front of him did and chat with you about where he sees himself in 5 years.
Upon confirming that you are of legal drinking age, he would follow by questioning where your boyfriend is and why you aren’t engaged yet. After the swoon-fest, he'd buy you a rum and coke and find out if you are a Duke or UNC fan, saying there is only one right answer and if you are incorrect you will forgo your beverage.
North Dakota would be drunk before you take your first shot. Through his slurred words you'd make out that he’s trying to order a drink from you and has quite possibly mistaken you for a waitress. As you correct him, he'd quickly change his pace and compliment the sparkle in your eyes before he gets distracted by an old pal walking through the door.
The first thing he would talk to you about his undying love for Ohio State and how his beer-league softball team is going to win the big game on Sunday. He loves a good drinking game and when someone mentions Flip Cup across the bar, you'd see a light of fury ignite in his eyes. He’s tall, muscular, and has a 5 o’clock shadow. He only drinks PBR.
Not unlike Blake Shelton, Oklahoma has a barbed-wire arm tattoo and parked his long-bed F-150 in the handicapped spot in front of the bar. His shirt is a blue flannel with the arms ripped off and he’s openly spitting into a red solo cup. After calling you beautiful, he'd tell you his name is something like Jacob or Elijah and his family owns 25 acres east of here.
At first glance, you might think that Oregon looks a little homey but then you decide that he’s really rocking it well. You'd find out that loves the Ducks (shocker), is a certified french press barista and spends his free time perfecting his home brewing system.
He'd refers to you and your friends as “youse girls” and tell you a heroic tale of a time he hit a deer and saved its life. When asking what you should do during your visit to PA, he'd insist Hersheypark is, indeed, the happiest place on earth while drinking gin and laughing at your sub-par jokes because he’s a gentleman.
After finding out you're not from around here, he'd order the two of you a Narrangansett and insist your life is about to change for the better. You'd find out his family is from Italy and he'd ask you if you've ever had your share of Quahogs. When you tell him you once bungee-jumped during your study abroad in New Zealand, he'd say something like "that's wicked sweet" and order you both another round.
Decked out in pastels and expensive cologne, he'd manage to throw the fact that he has family money into every other sentence. He'd be is drinking an Old Fashioned and, to your demise, order you the same. Spending too much time bragging about Clemson football, he'd be shocked when you deny his invitation back to his place.
Never one to dress up, South Dakota would be wearing jeans and a t-shirt, boasting proudly about his Midwestern roots. He'd mention he’s an “East River Guy” and describe his family’s wheat farm as a gold mine. Glazing over when you talk about your family trip to Mt. Rushmore, he pretends he's still interested while blowing bubbles in his mixed drink.
Tennessee looks like Zac Brown and would buy you both Jack Daniels while telling you how adorable you are. After a few drinks, he'd begin to belt the lyrics to some Willie Nelson song, proving to you that country boys really can sing. After dedicating an old George Strait tune to you, he'd walk you to your car and insist on seeing you again.
Wearing boots, wranglers and a white v-neck, you'll practically need a gas mask to breathe through the Tim McGraw "Southern Blend" he drenched himself in. He'd call you darlin' 4 times before ordering the two of you a beer and telling you about Texas football and pledging allegiance to Tim Riggins. After getting denied twice, he'd finally get the chance to teach you how to two-step and you'd try to keep up but eventually fake an ankle injury.
After telling you about his 7 nieces and nephews, Utah would explain why he broke the family tradition and didn't attend BYU. He'd ask you if you've ever been camping in the Canyonlands and then tell you about the climbing trip he's going on later this summer with his brother. You'd find out he's a pharmacy technician and just got out of a 7 year relationship with a girl named Becky.
Dressed in a red and blue checkered flannel with a North Face vest over it, Vermont would step out of his Subaru Outback looking fresher than ever. He’d be drinking gin and tonic, talking to his buddies about last night’s game as he flirtatiously glances over to you every few seconds. When he'd finally get the nerve to approach you, you would bond over your undying love for Phish Food.
Virginia would be a man-child tossing beer cans around the bar like a football. After nearly crashing you in the head with one, he'd offer to buy you a shot of whiskey to make up for it. When the two of you sit down, he'd begins talking about his latest trip to Richmond and telling you how many of his friends are getting married in the upcoming Month.
Washington would introduce himself by insisting you try his favorite IPA as you struggle to decide what to order. A little scruffy, he'd still have that adorable “I don’t care what I look like but I kind of do” thing going on and smell like those evergreen trees you hang from your rear view window.
When you ask what he’s drinking, he'd says “practically a mimosa” and offer you the rest of his. He’d be dressed nice, have a fresh haircut and ask you if you’ve ever had a Pepperoni Roll. You'd later find out that he plays fiddle for a band called The Rusty Antler and he would invite you to see them play at the county fair.
Without a doubt, he'd be wearing a Packers jersey and manage to relate everything you say back to football or cheese curds. He'd hammer off of whatever special the bar has that night, but reassure you that any good night is started by drinking a pack of New Glarus. After trying and failing to get you to dance with him, he'd head out to the dance floor all alone and motion an awkwardly adorable version of the robot.
Wyoming would be sipping on Bloody Marys well into the afternoon. After you tell him you moved to a big city, he'd would spend the rest of the conversation rattling off reasons you’re wasting your life in traffic. A few minutes into the conversation, you'd both realize that your cousin went to the school his aunt taught at and his brother was on the same football team as your ex-boyfriend.
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