When relationships end it's difficult to not look at the fallout as anything more than a failure. We often find ourselves diving into the pond of over analysis, wondering what went wrong and dissecting the countless conversations, arguments and oversights that might have been a main contributor to the end. Friends are recruited for their own take on where they might have seen the major turning points, and exes become riddles we cannot crack. Suddenly our minds morph into detectives that dwell over scenes and mull over hypotheticals, searching for any kind of clues or witnesses that might be able to pinpoint the moment a relationship fell victim to heartbreak.
It's here that it's good to remember that these "exes" might be good reference points to what went wrong. While turning scenarios in your head over and over again, it's important to remember that some of the best lessons you can learn are from outside perspectives of your own. There's always something to learn. So, when the dust has settled and you find yourself in a space where you can inquire about your relationship without hope of something more, it might be good for you to get the perspective of the person, who for a time, knew you best. Look at the breakup as an opportunity for growth.
Sometimes there may not be much of a perspective to gain, you might have a former partner who was more absorbed in your "failures" than what went wrong in the relationship. But if you're both open-minded and can forget about ego, you might find that you'll walk away with guidance and direction on how to make the next one work. It's important during this stage of insight and input from your partner that you see this person who you felt for so intimately, as a reflection of the person that you were in the relationship. Not necessarily as you, an individual. The negatives that they point out could be insightful cues as to what you could improve upon going into your next relationship and at the very least give you a reason to understand why your partner wasn't the best person for you. It's important during these conversations in which you find out your former partner's frame of reference to remember that people rarely object to good traits. What you might see as a negative or non-essential observation from them, might actually be a good indication of a trait to leave behind in your next relationship pursuits. It's up to you to decide if the critique of your own traits are things you truly want to change in the future.
Perspective can also reveal that there was nothing wrong done on your part. Maybe you were simply incompatible, or it's possible that the breakup wasn't actually attributed to any fault of your own, but simply an issue your former partner had. In that scenario think of the things that you could recognize as warning signs to look out for in the future. Asking for clarification on what to look out for could also be truly be helpful for you as you pursue new partners.
At the end of all of this, it's important to remember the true meaning of failure, and to come to the realization that a "failed" relationship is nothing more than a case of mistaken identity. You didn't "fail," you simply confused life lessons with true love and a soulmate. Luckily, time and perspective will help you to understand that.