Dating From 0 Vs. Dating From 100: The TikTok Theory, Explained
It's no secret that when it comes to dating, cisgender men and women approach things differently. All you have to do is spend 10 minutes on a dating app to realize that those who subscribe to the gender binary present themselves incredibly differently. For example, when was the last time a woman posted a photo of herself holding a fish with only one grossly misunderstood quote from "Fight Club" in her profile? Never is probably the safest best here.
But these aren't the only differences in how men and women date. Where they start when they first meet someone is drastically different too. According to TikTok, there's a new dating theory on the horizon: the Zero Theory. As TikTokers Giggly Squad explained in their video about the theory, "Men date from zero. So when they meet you and start dating you, you're a zero, and you have to build up to earn them wanting to date you. But girls date from 100 — we meet you and you are perfect and then we realize all the things that get you down."
Although both co-hosts Hannah Berner and Paige DeSorbo agree that they've "never heard anything more f— accurate," the question remains: Is there any legitimacy to the Zero Theory? To answer that question and get to the bottom of this seemingly sexist school of thought, Women exclusively spoke to matchmaker and CEO of Exclusive Matchmaking: Millionaire Matchmaker for Elite Singles, Susan Trombetti, to flesh out the validity of this claim.
What is the Zero Theory?
If the theory is to be believed, one needs to buy into certain gendered stereotypes, so let's do that for a second. Women are, allegedly, delusional when it comes to dating. Unlike men, before a first date, women are more likely to fantasize about a future with that person, going so far as to project potential onto them. Based on this, women go on a first date starting at 100 because of what's been built up in their heads. But as Berner explained in the video, throughout the date when it becomes clear that the guy isn't perfect, women start to mentally deduct points.
Men, on the other hand, start at zero with no expectations. According to the theory, they see a pretty face and that's it. So while women are deducting points on a first date, men are adding points to their zero baseline. But is this a fair assessment?
"When it comes to sizing it up, I think it's a helpful reminder to remember these are stereotypes of certain people that might ring true, but it's almost sexist in my opinion as a matchmaker and from what I have seen," Trombetti exclusively told Women. "Sure, women generally approach dating in a positive fashion and hope that this guy is the one ... [but] some men do just the same, [having] bigger hopes and dreams wanting to lock it down sooner than the woman." In other words, behavior can't be reduced to gender.
Why this theory might be problematic
If we're to believe all women and all men are this way, we're not giving each other the benefit of the doubt and doing ourselves a major disservice. "[The theory is] laughable, but does seem to offer an explanation for some men's bad behavior that women need, so some will cling to this theory," said Trombetti. "The theory has a way of making women seem desperate to understand why they are still single and need an answer."
People can be single for hundreds of reasons. But, as Trombetti pointed out, the "Zero Theory" is providing single women an answer for their singlehood that isn't necessarily true or accurate. If women are stereotypically painted as delusional regarding dating, as this theory suggests, leading women to believe all men think and act this way is promoting a lie that furthers that delusion. We should be protecting singles from falling for this sort of ridiculousness and, instead, give them the tools to own their singledom. A woman can't embrace and flourish as a single person if every time she goes on a first date, she's convinced the man she's with is assigning a point value to everything she says and does.
What good can you take away from this theory?
As fun as theories like this can be, it's essential not to lump people together or make assumptions. It's also important to see that there's a pocket-worthy point that can be taken from this: going on a date with realistic expectations is always the best approach.
"I think most people know what they want, and I think a lot of people are unrealistic, so this does serve as a gentle reminder to women to not have so many expectations," said Trombetti, adding that men have a lot of expectations too. More than anything, everyone, no matter their gender, should put more focus on not compromising when it comes to being valued by a potential partner. "Don't go crazy over someone and jump in," Trobetti exclusively told Women. "Make them prove themselves to you. Everyone should date from zero so to speak. Know your value and make sure someone else respects it."
In your quest to find your forever person, people are going to come and go. While it's lovely to think positively about someone and the potential for a future together early on, there's such a thing as toxic positivity. If you feel yourself spiraling into la-la land, slow down, and roll things back a bit. Concentrate on what someone can bring to your life as a partner, as opposed to where they'll fit in an outlandish depiction of a fairytale you've created for yourself.