Backburner Relationships: What Are They, And How Can You Avoid One?
Let's be honest, dating is no cakewalk. It's actually much more like a minefield and is only made worse by those people who were maybe, possibly, sort of, kind of, love interests at one time, who still pop up now and again just to check in on you. Essentially, they don't exactly want to pursue a full-on relationship with you, but they do just want to keep you on the — you guessed it — backburner. A 2014 study referred to this situation as a backburner relationship, defining when someone is essentially keeping someone else around as an option. You know, just in case they don't find anyone better. Or, more eyebrow-raising, if things don't work out with their current partner. And this whole phenomenon is pretty common. According to Psychology Today, as many as 56% of those surveyed admitted to having a simultaneous backburner situation and committed relationship going. Yikes.
You may notice you're in this situation if the person you're interested in takes a long time to respond to your messages, never seems to make concrete plans with you, only pops up when they want something, or won't properly define your relationship. Because of that, backburner relationships aren't the healthiest. All too often, at least one of the people involved gets strung along, taken advantage of, and hurt. But there are ways to avoid getting yourself into this situation.
Communicate, communicate, communicate
There's a reason so much relationship advice involves communication, and that's because it really can solve a lot of problems, including backburner relationships. If you're in this situation with someone and feel taken advantage of, or like you're never their priority, then one of the best things you can do is to talk to them about it. They may not fully realize what they're doing or the impact it's having on you, and it'll allow you to fully articulate yourself and your relationship expectations with this person.
One of the most important things to do during this conversation is to tell the person how their behavior is making you feel and how you would like to be treated. If you would like them to prioritize and respect you more, say that. If you would like to define the relationship, say that. That way, you'll learn exactly where the other person stands. If they want what you want, you may find you've gotten yourself out of a backburner situation and into something much healthier. If they don't, then you'll know it's time to move on and find someone who will respect you and give you what you want. We know. Starting this conversation can be scary, but it's so worth it. And it could save you a whole lot of heartache further down the line.
Set boundaries and don't settle for less
As with any kind of relationship, boundaries in backburner situations are extremely important. You need to be realistic about what you are or aren't willing to put up with and ensure you're not bending on your expectations. If you're happy to be in an undefined relationship and be there for someone who may not be for you, that's okay. But if you're not, respect yourself enough to know this situation probably isn't healthy for you.
Express your boundaries with the person you feel is keeping you around as an option — and make it clear when they've been crossed. For example, if your person only plans meet-ups with you that same day or late at night when they're not busy seeing someone else who is their priority, politely let them know you would like more notice and effort put into your dates. If they refuse to take you off the backburner, it may be time to walk away.
Remove backburner relationships from social media (and block their number)
One of the easiest ways to avoid a backburner relationship is to cut off the person who is putting you on the backburner. To do that, you might want to block them on social media. After all, dating and relationship coach Kate Mansfield admitted to Mail Online that she believes social media has only increased these kinds of relationships. After all, social media is an ideal way to keep tabs on someone and passively make contact with them without really putting in any effort (think a Facebook like or an Instagram Story reaction), as well as the more obvious method of sliding into the DMs. So, if you don't want someone only giving you basic breadcrumbs of attention, make it so they can't.
Of course, there's nothing wrong with keeping a romantic interest on social media if you genuinely believe you can have a healthy relationship with them. But if you feel they're unfairly keeping you around as nothing more than an option, then ensuring they have no way of contacting you will take away open-ended wonder. This may also require blocking their phone number. After all, why would you want to be in touch with someone who can't give you the time and respect you deserve?